I could only sigh as 2011 hops away from me. If you were to ask me how did it go, i would think that this quote best describes it.
“There’s an old joke. Um… two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of ‘em says, ’Boy, the food at this place is really terrible.’ The other one says, ‘Yeah, I know; and such small portions.’ Well, that’s essentially how I feel about life – full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness, and it’s all over much too quickly.” - Alvy Singer -
I know its pessimistic and sadistic, but that is exactly how my year felt like. I realized that in this world, people would push you around. Chances, opportunities, are taken, not given. I guess i have willed it before, or that i have said it a million times, that i shall be stronger, colder and not pushed around only to fail almost every time, again. I always asked myself what i lacked? The will, or the courage, or the reason to stand up against an external force, rather than absorbing it or rather tai-chi-ing it around.
As for 2012, i wish only for inner strength.I will keep hope, look forward, move on, and never regret! For once, a wise said to others: "You must never give in to despair. Allow yourself to slip down that road, and surrender to your lowest instincts. In the darkest times, hope is something you give yourself. That is the meaning of inner strength."
To add a lil humor to this gloomy, emo post, this is a song or chat is something i shall recite for the years to come! Enjoy. =p
31.12.11
29.12.11
24.12.11
23.12.11
The City of Huge Numbers – Jakarta
Well, here am I back in Malaysia, just in time to catch a breath to blog about it finally. In this city of massive population (almost that of whole Malaysia) where most of them are millionaires (in rupees of course), things are more congested and chaotic than I would have imagined. A steep contrast to the slumber land I came back from.
To be honest, I didn’t like the place one bit. Perhaps I was biased and judgemental as I didn’t really had a fair view of the city, 80% of my trip was business and conference anyway. Besides a shopping mall or 2, I didn’t manage to go to any tourist location spots, which is a shame. Despite its short comings, I had a few insights from this hectic experience.
First, I learned that Jakarta is such and inefficient city and that I have a very low tolerance for inefficiency. The traffic jam there is godly. If you think KL jam is terrible, you are just seeing the tip of an iceberg there. A 15 mins journey can easily turn into a 2 hours stuck in a van. Imagine wasting 4 hours of your life daily going to and from work. Having more than 2 business appointments in a day is impossible there. In my short 7 days trip, I can safely say that I have spent no less than pure 24 hours in a vehicle. Ouch to that!
Second, if you can drive across the busy streets in Jakarta, you can drive ALMOST anywhere in the world. Nuff said.
Third, money is king. Literally, you can live like a king there if you have the money. Things there are cheap, dirt cheap. And so is labour cost as well. It is an ideal place to set up a factory for its low production cost in the SEA region, but don’t put high hopes in quality or its logistics. It’s trade off.
Fourth, people there are really hardworking. I believe in an adverse condition of scarcity and dissatisfactions, people tend to work harder, think harder, and be stronger. They become innovative in means of earning and improvise and adapt to many difficulties. That's why I think that for one to improve and grow, one should always be out of their comfort zone, fighting. Always be hungry! =D
I guess this trip change my perspective in life in a few aspects. I believe, everyone have as much time on their hand as anyone else. The differential key is how you use the time, and how efficient you make it. Time is liken water to a boat, it can make it rise or fall depending on how you control it. It also gives a glimpse of how different in value each person’s life is worth just across a border. Many preach that all life is equal but it is but a distant dream. You can ‘purchase’ a month of a labourer’s life for a mere rm700 there, and it cost rm1700 in Malaysia and rm4800 in Australia. A mix of currency, economical state, and labour supply makes it happen and this is one of the reasons we call this world unfair. Lastly, I see that the value of things lies not in its price or its currency. In Jakarta, everything is in thousands and millions, but it’s in fact cheaper than those in Malaysia.
Sorry, no camera, no pics!
Okay, time to buck up, get a job and enjoy my holiday! Not in that order! =p
To be honest, I didn’t like the place one bit. Perhaps I was biased and judgemental as I didn’t really had a fair view of the city, 80% of my trip was business and conference anyway. Besides a shopping mall or 2, I didn’t manage to go to any tourist location spots, which is a shame. Despite its short comings, I had a few insights from this hectic experience.
First, I learned that Jakarta is such and inefficient city and that I have a very low tolerance for inefficiency. The traffic jam there is godly. If you think KL jam is terrible, you are just seeing the tip of an iceberg there. A 15 mins journey can easily turn into a 2 hours stuck in a van. Imagine wasting 4 hours of your life daily going to and from work. Having more than 2 business appointments in a day is impossible there. In my short 7 days trip, I can safely say that I have spent no less than pure 24 hours in a vehicle. Ouch to that!
Second, if you can drive across the busy streets in Jakarta, you can drive ALMOST anywhere in the world. Nuff said.
Third, money is king. Literally, you can live like a king there if you have the money. Things there are cheap, dirt cheap. And so is labour cost as well. It is an ideal place to set up a factory for its low production cost in the SEA region, but don’t put high hopes in quality or its logistics. It’s trade off.
Fourth, people there are really hardworking. I believe in an adverse condition of scarcity and dissatisfactions, people tend to work harder, think harder, and be stronger. They become innovative in means of earning and improvise and adapt to many difficulties. That's why I think that for one to improve and grow, one should always be out of their comfort zone, fighting. Always be hungry! =D
I guess this trip change my perspective in life in a few aspects. I believe, everyone have as much time on their hand as anyone else. The differential key is how you use the time, and how efficient you make it. Time is liken water to a boat, it can make it rise or fall depending on how you control it. It also gives a glimpse of how different in value each person’s life is worth just across a border. Many preach that all life is equal but it is but a distant dream. You can ‘purchase’ a month of a labourer’s life for a mere rm700 there, and it cost rm1700 in Malaysia and rm4800 in Australia. A mix of currency, economical state, and labour supply makes it happen and this is one of the reasons we call this world unfair. Lastly, I see that the value of things lies not in its price or its currency. In Jakarta, everything is in thousands and millions, but it’s in fact cheaper than those in Malaysia.
Sorry, no camera, no pics!
Okay, time to buck up, get a job and enjoy my holiday! Not in that order! =p
23.11.11
A cab ride
This is a story about an office executive who has an important meeting one day, one that will change the life of his career. However, that morning, he woke up late and therefore decided to call a cab to the office. Once on the cab, he shouted “Take me to the office using the shortest way! Step on it please!”
The executive then started tiding up himself for that meeting before he look out the window and realised the taxi driver is actually taking a further way, not by the highway he knew. He thought to himself, this cab driver must be trying to extort more fees out of me by taking a longer path!
Without another word, he started scolding the taxi driver continuously. Cursing and shouting how irresponsible is the driver even knowing he is in hurry and looking down on them and their profession. He scolded and scolded without giving the taxi driver any chance to speak. Just as he was catching his breath, the taxi driver pointed at the right, towards the shorter highway route they supposedly, should have taken. When the executive looked out, the traffic there was congested and vehicles were not even moving on the street. In that instance, the executive realized his mistake and felt so embarrassed.
In a jiffy, they have reached their destination with time to spare. The executive handed him a 50 dollars note and told the driver to keep the change. He also apologized continuously for his rude behaviour before this. The driver then waved and drove away with a smile. The executive felt even more guilty and ashamed of his past actions.
This story brings light to many aspects of our lives. Often we devise conclusion based on incorrect biasness even though we have not get our fact right. But one moral of the story that I found more appropriate on me is the fact that in life, the shortest path may not always be the quickest or best path to travel.
Recently, I am faced with many setbacks. I must admit that at times, I felt defeated, lost and useless. Especially in the job-hunting front, i wish i could just reply this to all the rejections i get.
My life is not going how it was planned out to be, and being me, I do plan my every move in my life. This struggle is frustrating in the fact that there is not much I can do to change it. It feels as if I am wasting my time, stuck in both career and life, I am wasting them away and the future feels bleaker every second I wait. Maybe I am one that needs constant challenging work to do and waiting is a far more daunting task than an actually difficult job.
But as I look forward, I know that I have taken the longer path. A path covered with difficulties and trouble ahead. But after reading this story, I can only say that I am both calmed relieved. Every path is difficult and in this life, we may never know how it will turn out in the ‘other’ path, for we can only travel down one path once. And even if I am taking a longer path, it does not mean it takes longer or is worse. It may be a path quicker, smoother and better.
What can be certain is that whichever path that lies ahead of me, I will take it, and take it to where I want to go! Besides, worrying about the future never gets you anywhere.
The executive then started tiding up himself for that meeting before he look out the window and realised the taxi driver is actually taking a further way, not by the highway he knew. He thought to himself, this cab driver must be trying to extort more fees out of me by taking a longer path!
Without another word, he started scolding the taxi driver continuously. Cursing and shouting how irresponsible is the driver even knowing he is in hurry and looking down on them and their profession. He scolded and scolded without giving the taxi driver any chance to speak. Just as he was catching his breath, the taxi driver pointed at the right, towards the shorter highway route they supposedly, should have taken. When the executive looked out, the traffic there was congested and vehicles were not even moving on the street. In that instance, the executive realized his mistake and felt so embarrassed.
In a jiffy, they have reached their destination with time to spare. The executive handed him a 50 dollars note and told the driver to keep the change. He also apologized continuously for his rude behaviour before this. The driver then waved and drove away with a smile. The executive felt even more guilty and ashamed of his past actions.
This story brings light to many aspects of our lives. Often we devise conclusion based on incorrect biasness even though we have not get our fact right. But one moral of the story that I found more appropriate on me is the fact that in life, the shortest path may not always be the quickest or best path to travel.
Recently, I am faced with many setbacks. I must admit that at times, I felt defeated, lost and useless. Especially in the job-hunting front, i wish i could just reply this to all the rejections i get.
My life is not going how it was planned out to be, and being me, I do plan my every move in my life. This struggle is frustrating in the fact that there is not much I can do to change it. It feels as if I am wasting my time, stuck in both career and life, I am wasting them away and the future feels bleaker every second I wait. Maybe I am one that needs constant challenging work to do and waiting is a far more daunting task than an actually difficult job.
But as I look forward, I know that I have taken the longer path. A path covered with difficulties and trouble ahead. But after reading this story, I can only say that I am both calmed relieved. Every path is difficult and in this life, we may never know how it will turn out in the ‘other’ path, for we can only travel down one path once. And even if I am taking a longer path, it does not mean it takes longer or is worse. It may be a path quicker, smoother and better.
What can be certain is that whichever path that lies ahead of me, I will take it, and take it to where I want to go! Besides, worrying about the future never gets you anywhere.
30.10.11
The Ladder of Life
I believe life must always be forward looking. But as we look back in our past, there are things to gain as well.
There were once a couple who lived on the 80th floor of a building. They went camping one day and came back only to realize that the building is having an electric shortage and the lifts are not working. Although they are carrying a huge backpack, they are sweating all over and needed a shower so they decided that they will take the stair back home.
As they climbed the flight of stairs to the 20th floor, the husband told the wife. “Honey, I can’t take this anymore, it’s too tiring. Why don’t we leave our backpacks at the 20th floor and when the electricity come back, we can take to elevator back down here to retrieve our back pack!”. The wife replied: “You are so smart dear! Let’s do that”. And so, without that excess baggage, they climbed happily up the stairs again.
However, as they reach the 40th floor, they legs began to sore and grew tired. They are only half way there and there were 40 floors of stairs yet to go. They started arguing and blaming each other why didn’t they notice the memo about that electric shortage or blackout. They blamed each other for putting them through so much trouble.
They argued as they climb and they finally reach the 60th level. At that point, they were exhausted and didn’t even have the energy to argue anymore. They husband then state: “Let’s not argue or quarrel anymore. Why don’t we climb the rest of the stairs in peace and quiet?” The wife agreed and so they continue walking.
At long last, they reached the 80th floor. The wife then said: “Please quickly open the door, I’m exhausted!” The husband then said: “I thought the key was with you!?” Then they realized that they have left the key in the backpack on the 20th floor!
Some people say this story is liken to one’s life journey. From our birth to the age of 20, we are always living under the expectation of our parents and teachers, just like carrying the weights of a big backpack. After 20 years old, we will be able to let go of this baggage of responsibility and live with much freedom and happiness for the next 20 years. At 40, we then realize we have so much regrets and resentments. Our lives become unhappy or dissatisfied, and we start to blame the company we are working at, the government, everyone. At 60, we do not have much time left to live. We will then tell ourselves that we should just treasure what we have and live the remaining of our life at peace. At 80, it's the end of our life’s journey. As we look back at our lives, only did we realize that our dreams and passion were left behind at the age of 20, and were never achieved, just like those keys.
I will not follow the footsteps of this couple climbing the stairs. I will never let go of my dreams and ensure a life of no regrets. What about you?
It was just yesterday, that I turned 23. Merely on my verge of leaving the academic baggage, I have to embrace this new found freedom of employment. My dreams are clear to me as before, but its path now blurred by uncertainty and diffident. It is sad that the mere possibility of employment that I once despise is exciting me at this level. My standards is really going low huh?
Lost as I may, the will and believe remains that I, will take whatever means necessary, to get there. That is my birthday promise!
There were once a couple who lived on the 80th floor of a building. They went camping one day and came back only to realize that the building is having an electric shortage and the lifts are not working. Although they are carrying a huge backpack, they are sweating all over and needed a shower so they decided that they will take the stair back home.
As they climbed the flight of stairs to the 20th floor, the husband told the wife. “Honey, I can’t take this anymore, it’s too tiring. Why don’t we leave our backpacks at the 20th floor and when the electricity come back, we can take to elevator back down here to retrieve our back pack!”. The wife replied: “You are so smart dear! Let’s do that”. And so, without that excess baggage, they climbed happily up the stairs again.
However, as they reach the 40th floor, they legs began to sore and grew tired. They are only half way there and there were 40 floors of stairs yet to go. They started arguing and blaming each other why didn’t they notice the memo about that electric shortage or blackout. They blamed each other for putting them through so much trouble.
They argued as they climb and they finally reach the 60th level. At that point, they were exhausted and didn’t even have the energy to argue anymore. They husband then state: “Let’s not argue or quarrel anymore. Why don’t we climb the rest of the stairs in peace and quiet?” The wife agreed and so they continue walking.
At long last, they reached the 80th floor. The wife then said: “Please quickly open the door, I’m exhausted!” The husband then said: “I thought the key was with you!?” Then they realized that they have left the key in the backpack on the 20th floor!
Some people say this story is liken to one’s life journey. From our birth to the age of 20, we are always living under the expectation of our parents and teachers, just like carrying the weights of a big backpack. After 20 years old, we will be able to let go of this baggage of responsibility and live with much freedom and happiness for the next 20 years. At 40, we then realize we have so much regrets and resentments. Our lives become unhappy or dissatisfied, and we start to blame the company we are working at, the government, everyone. At 60, we do not have much time left to live. We will then tell ourselves that we should just treasure what we have and live the remaining of our life at peace. At 80, it's the end of our life’s journey. As we look back at our lives, only did we realize that our dreams and passion were left behind at the age of 20, and were never achieved, just like those keys.
I will not follow the footsteps of this couple climbing the stairs. I will never let go of my dreams and ensure a life of no regrets. What about you?
It was just yesterday, that I turned 23. Merely on my verge of leaving the academic baggage, I have to embrace this new found freedom of employment. My dreams are clear to me as before, but its path now blurred by uncertainty and diffident. It is sad that the mere possibility of employment that I once despise is exciting me at this level. My standards is really going low huh?
Lost as I may, the will and believe remains that I, will take whatever means necessary, to get there. That is my birthday promise!
25.10.11
Inner strength
As I am looking back at my life, it is one that is full of irony, contradiction, but so far a fulfilling one. People might think that I am a believer of destiny and fate, as my blog name suggest, but those close to me knows better, I am the exact opposite.
I believe I had a rather mature mindset since I was really young. I have realistic dreams, passion, drive, motivation and discipline people my age never really care for. It kind of also explains my social awkwardness and inability to fit-in as I do not find that same kind of interest in people, as I still do now. From that loneliness, I learned to be financially savvy, strong and independent, requiring no support from others and even minimal from my parents. Yet life has a way of surprising you. Weird as I am in many ways, I am blessed to have many true and good friends around that really did not mind my little eccentricities. It shed a little light on how fun it could be with a group of really cool friends.
I also thought that I have everything planned out. I don’t believe in destiny, but rather everyone shape their own future. Every little effort, every small decision will forever change the course of our future and so determine the now. I always believed if you try hard enough, sacrifice enough, pay a price hefty enough, the impossible will become possible.
However, as I grow up, the once perfect dreams started to show its weakness. Things never were how they planned out to be, but that did not bother me. What bothers me is how little control we had over what decides our future sometimes. Even if you pay the price, the impossible still lays hanging in the hands of others, not yours. And that, annoys me. Just as I am right now, waiting for a job interview result and nothing I could do about it. Because this is not a contest of effort but compatibility.
Just as I enjoy the ironies in life, I guess life do enjoy playing irony on me too. I once learned independence and find joy in living alone, without much social obligations. But life ‘blessed’ me with good friends and happy times that I’ll never forget the rest of my life. And then leave me here alone again, pondering, remembering those happy times as only a memory now. In studies, I worked hard, I worked smart and I achieved above average results for my effort. Life shower me with compliments, appraisals, and expectations I did not ask for and yet test me with such difficult situation of even on moving on and getting a job, and yet, many others have moved on. Life like to give you hope as you are down and continue giving it until you finally embrace it and looking forward to the light at the end of tunnel of misery. And the life takes hope away from you and seal you back into that tunnel of complete darkness. How many more such pranks I can take in my life long journey I wonder.
Twisted as life maybe, and down as I am now, I believe one should never lose hope. Hope not given by others, but one that is genuinely burning inside you. In the darkest of time, hope is something you give yourself, and that is the true meaning of inner strength. And all I need is some inner strength to fight this war. Perhaps, we are all standing in the crossroads of destiny. There are pathways that we can choose in the crossroads and yet each has their destiny in place not within our power to control. That is how I see life as it is. Crossroads and crossroads of destiny weaved into a net of life. And one have to hold inner strength to make it through.
Yet, and this point of the road, how I wish that I could let go of all my strength, and to relive one of those memories that I so treasure. Oh! How much I am willing to give for those moments again. =S
13.10.11
The Bank Account
Irony is when people complain about a $16/hour wage rate and yet are willing to spend hours of waiting just to get a $10 discount. Irony is when people are willing to go 10 minutes away to save $2 bucks and that adds up to 12 bucks an hour which is below minimum wage. Irony is when someone spent 200 bucks but yet said they saved a lot.
Seriously, money is not all that important. But more often than not, people, and the society view it over-enthusiastically, yet in a very wrong way. Time, by far is a much more valuable commodity sometimes quoted as an equivalence of money, but not treasure as one.
Imagine there is a bank account that credits you account each morning with $86,400. It does not carry forward to the next day. Every evening, the bank deletes whatever part of the balance you failed to use during the day. What would you do? Draw out every cents, of course?
Each of us had such a bank. Its name is time. Every morning, it credits you with 86,400 seconds. Every night it writes it off as lost, whatever you failed to invest to a good purpose. It carries over no balance. It allows no overdraft. Each day, it opens a new account for yo. Each night, it burns the remaining of the day. If you fail to use the day's deposits, the loss is yours.
You must live in the present on today's deposits. Invest it so as to get from it the utmost health, happiness and success. The clock is running. Make the most of today!
I had wrote off too many bad checks, but not anymore, never. If everyone could treat every second like its every dollar, nobody be unproductive or inefficient anymore. And in that sense, everyone is equally wealthy everyday. With this, i have spend 600bucks on this post! Whoever reads this, please appreciate, and PAY UP! =p
Seriously, money is not all that important. But more often than not, people, and the society view it over-enthusiastically, yet in a very wrong way. Time, by far is a much more valuable commodity sometimes quoted as an equivalence of money, but not treasure as one.
Imagine there is a bank account that credits you account each morning with $86,400. It does not carry forward to the next day. Every evening, the bank deletes whatever part of the balance you failed to use during the day. What would you do? Draw out every cents, of course?
Each of us had such a bank. Its name is time. Every morning, it credits you with 86,400 seconds. Every night it writes it off as lost, whatever you failed to invest to a good purpose. It carries over no balance. It allows no overdraft. Each day, it opens a new account for yo. Each night, it burns the remaining of the day. If you fail to use the day's deposits, the loss is yours.
You must live in the present on today's deposits. Invest it so as to get from it the utmost health, happiness and success. The clock is running. Make the most of today!
I had wrote off too many bad checks, but not anymore, never. If everyone could treat every second like its every dollar, nobody be unproductive or inefficient anymore. And in that sense, everyone is equally wealthy everyday. With this, i have spend 600bucks on this post! Whoever reads this, please appreciate, and PAY UP! =p
9.10.11
A Fresh Start and a Job-less Apple.
They say "live everyday like it's your last". But if so, no one in the world would be working. One should look in the mirror, and ask yourself if this is how one wants to lead his live for entirety. If the answer is no, then something must be done, we, must change.
Procrastination had gotten hold of me once again! Despite being extremely free, i have again failed to been productive as is keeping this blog updated. Maybe cause there is really nothing much to my life for now. Everything have become so boring to me as i started losing interest in thing. Everyone around me seem to be busy, getting on with their lives, worried, struggling but at least for something meaningful in their lives. While me, being stuck in some vortex of time, unable to move forward. I have been job-hunting for say less than 2 months and still, nothing promising have shown up my path, all seems bleak and lost. I am honored to be showered with advices, that i should not be eager to rush into jobs, hold out for the right position and jobs in my profession just take time to find. Stories or precedents laid before me that others spent much longer unemployment periods than me and some, still trying. Maybe to others it seems easy, to stay back, relax, chill and slowly get a job. But in fact, it's a much greater challenge to me than i were to go through extremely difficult test and stress from studies. This brain of mine rebels at stagnation and needs work. I've been far to unproductive and lazy that even i despite it. I need something new in my life, and i shall start by changing a little.
Besides me, i guess Apple, the definition of sleek design and gadgets of the 21st century is also, 'Jobless'! Steve Jobs, was a great individual that should be admired and it was a great loss. He was a mere college drop out, sacked from his own firm and yet he achieved many more than any top college graduates could have imagine. Many are inspired by him, thinking that the world has lost yet another legendary figure. However, people should stop mourning over this loss and learn that anyone could be a new legend of their own. The very path we walk now could be one that too lead to great success. He was no so far different from any of us that are then still naive and ignorance. He found his passion and pursued it without hesitation and falter. So can we!
Procrastination had gotten hold of me once again! Despite being extremely free, i have again failed to been productive as is keeping this blog updated. Maybe cause there is really nothing much to my life for now. Everything have become so boring to me as i started losing interest in thing. Everyone around me seem to be busy, getting on with their lives, worried, struggling but at least for something meaningful in their lives. While me, being stuck in some vortex of time, unable to move forward. I have been job-hunting for say less than 2 months and still, nothing promising have shown up my path, all seems bleak and lost. I am honored to be showered with advices, that i should not be eager to rush into jobs, hold out for the right position and jobs in my profession just take time to find. Stories or precedents laid before me that others spent much longer unemployment periods than me and some, still trying. Maybe to others it seems easy, to stay back, relax, chill and slowly get a job. But in fact, it's a much greater challenge to me than i were to go through extremely difficult test and stress from studies. This brain of mine rebels at stagnation and needs work. I've been far to unproductive and lazy that even i despite it. I need something new in my life, and i shall start by changing a little.
Besides me, i guess Apple, the definition of sleek design and gadgets of the 21st century is also, 'Jobless'! Steve Jobs, was a great individual that should be admired and it was a great loss. He was a mere college drop out, sacked from his own firm and yet he achieved many more than any top college graduates could have imagine. Many are inspired by him, thinking that the world has lost yet another legendary figure. However, people should stop mourning over this loss and learn that anyone could be a new legend of their own. The very path we walk now could be one that too lead to great success. He was no so far different from any of us that are then still naive and ignorance. He found his passion and pursued it without hesitation and falter. So can we!
4.9.11
3.8.11
Fading Dreams or Melding Reality?
"Is it that dreams are fading away, or reality taking over?"
Everyone had a childhood dream. Me, many. But as we grow, these dream becomes smaller, or shall i say more 'practical'. From a being a superhero saving the world, to hero of your own world saving yourself; From a doctor saving millions of lives, to a doctor making end meets. As we grow physically, our dreams shrinks proportionally. Is that what life is all about?
When i was this kid, i had no boundaries, no fear. I would believe with all my heart that i could achieve whatever i imagined. I believe so much more in myself. But i lacked the knowledge, the ability then. So i started learning, i started to, grow up. And the more i learn, the more i realize the boundaries, the fears, the limitations of my dreams. Have i really learned? Should i have learned at all?
I must say my life is not going as i have planned. Not one bit. But my directions never changed, just my destination, forwarded. Perhaps they are not meant to be, perhaps i need someone out there to remind me that i can still go there.
Maybe, just maybe, there's a better life waiting for me ahead.
Now i need 2 things. First is courage. Not those of warriors a kings. One that is deep within strong enough to propel me forward and keep me going.
True courage as they say...
Secondly, i need an opportunity, a chance to redeem myself. I know many people believe or believed in me but my flame of faith is flickering in its last breath. I need a chance to prove that this spark can burn with passion once again. Maybe its just timing, and i just need to hang on...
and be...
optimistic?
Everyone had a childhood dream. Me, many. But as we grow, these dream becomes smaller, or shall i say more 'practical'. From a being a superhero saving the world, to hero of your own world saving yourself; From a doctor saving millions of lives, to a doctor making end meets. As we grow physically, our dreams shrinks proportionally. Is that what life is all about?
When i was this kid, i had no boundaries, no fear. I would believe with all my heart that i could achieve whatever i imagined. I believe so much more in myself. But i lacked the knowledge, the ability then. So i started learning, i started to, grow up. And the more i learn, the more i realize the boundaries, the fears, the limitations of my dreams. Have i really learned? Should i have learned at all?
I must say my life is not going as i have planned. Not one bit. But my directions never changed, just my destination, forwarded. Perhaps they are not meant to be, perhaps i need someone out there to remind me that i can still go there.
Maybe, just maybe, there's a better life waiting for me ahead.
Now i need 2 things. First is courage. Not those of warriors a kings. One that is deep within strong enough to propel me forward and keep me going.
True courage as they say...
Secondly, i need an opportunity, a chance to redeem myself. I know many people believe or believed in me but my flame of faith is flickering in its last breath. I need a chance to prove that this spark can burn with passion once again. Maybe its just timing, and i just need to hang on...
and be...
optimistic?
22.7.11
Lines
Friends. Enemies. Lovers. Opportunities. Goals. Life.
They are all sad thing. But which is sadder? To have each other side by side but never truly be together or to have one glorious meeting and part forever?
Life is full of such decisions.
Food for thought!
They are all sad thing. But which is sadder? To have each other side by side but never truly be together or to have one glorious meeting and part forever?
Life is full of such decisions.
Food for thought!
11.7.11
A time to Act!
Act, is the ultimate cure for failure. It cures hesitation. It repels fear. It creates opportunity. And most of all, it realizes dreams.
I have been procrastinating way too much last 2 weeks. After my exams, i really did nothing much productive, besides having fun! And as one by one, my unimates leave for their working lives back where they come from, the activities die down and the subtle reality sets in... I've got to move on with my life. It's sad to see that it seems everyone is moving on with theirs so fine but me, maybe its just this transition period or me over-worrying, i can't help but feel demotivated. But sad things aside, i would like to put an update on every happy memory that occured last week! =p
Well, i reckon life is more than money. Cause when you die, money will not go with you, nor will they shelter you with comforting words. All you will have left are memories and friends, and loved ones! Oh how cheesy! Anyway, this holiday, i though i would make some more crazy memories, i regret not having done more when i was younger. Besides the array of food, from exclusive japanese buffett to downright burger stands, i have quite a few. And good food always come with a queue, the longer the better! Or maybe its more of a psychological factor! =D
There are lots of firsts too! First time i go to a rockband without even knowing the band =o First time see a whale from meters away =p First time ice skating, on bondi beach ^^, walking in Sydney in the middle of the night ect! Of course, its also filled with lost of liquour, coffee, Imax 3D, cakes, chocolates and crap talks but all in all great fun! Too bad, i have no camera to capture this moments, and so seriously consider getting one!
As things settle down, i realised how time, really flies when we are having so much fun! Few days later, my results are gonna be out and i've got no more excuses putting off everything i'm suppose to do in action. Getting my TR applications donw, getting a job and well, getting a serious move-on with my life!
Time to make things happen! But more on that later!=p
I have been procrastinating way too much last 2 weeks. After my exams, i really did nothing much productive, besides having fun! And as one by one, my unimates leave for their working lives back where they come from, the activities die down and the subtle reality sets in... I've got to move on with my life. It's sad to see that it seems everyone is moving on with theirs so fine but me, maybe its just this transition period or me over-worrying, i can't help but feel demotivated. But sad things aside, i would like to put an update on every happy memory that occured last week! =p
Well, i reckon life is more than money. Cause when you die, money will not go with you, nor will they shelter you with comforting words. All you will have left are memories and friends, and loved ones! Oh how cheesy! Anyway, this holiday, i though i would make some more crazy memories, i regret not having done more when i was younger. Besides the array of food, from exclusive japanese buffett to downright burger stands, i have quite a few. And good food always come with a queue, the longer the better! Or maybe its more of a psychological factor! =D
There are lots of firsts too! First time i go to a rockband without even knowing the band =o First time see a whale from meters away =p First time ice skating, on bondi beach ^^, walking in Sydney in the middle of the night ect! Of course, its also filled with lost of liquour, coffee, Imax 3D, cakes, chocolates and crap talks but all in all great fun! Too bad, i have no camera to capture this moments, and so seriously consider getting one!
As things settle down, i realised how time, really flies when we are having so much fun! Few days later, my results are gonna be out and i've got no more excuses putting off everything i'm suppose to do in action. Getting my TR applications donw, getting a job and well, getting a serious move-on with my life!
Time to make things happen! But more on that later!=p
17.6.11
The Devastation
I knew she's going to be brutal, and violent. I have braved myself for whatever torture that she could throw at me, gritted my teeth for the utmost painful experience. The she surprise me. She was more deadly and unpredictable than i ever could imagine, liken a dagger slowly piercing your heart, from the back, before you can catch a glimpse, or even a breath of anything around me. The she left. Me unable to speak, or die, the pain, more unbearable than any i have experienced. But, i cannot die now. No, i MUST not die. Not now...
I'm devastated. I really could not believe how difficult the paper was. I expected it, it delivered, perfectly. What i hate more, was not the paper, but myself. If only i could spent a little more time on it, concentrate a little more. But i know very well too, no additional amount of preparation before hand will help, they were creative question, testing not only your understanding, but you brilliance is decoding it, and creating a whole new concept. I could never had prepared for that and it also proved, my brilliance, if there ever is some, were over-rated.
When i walked into the exam hall, my mind was blank, literally. It always is my style in exam, because i know myself very well, when i see the question, the formulas, the theories, all of them will pop up in my mind. They did, but it didn't help, and i panicked, and it was over. I am really hating myself now, making so much mistakes that could be avoided, and it will definitely cost me. I pray, i hope, not too much to make me fail. And there is a good chance of failing this time.
I really wish i could cry out loud, shout at myself, maybe throw a few hits at myself. But there were no tears in my eyes, nor blood in my veins. I feel just empty.
Sitting in front of the computer at home. The i realize there is really no one there i could talk to. Someone that would understand me. I am alone.
And this in the only place i could pour my heart out. So, this is my life, and im not liking it one bit.
I'm devastated. I really could not believe how difficult the paper was. I expected it, it delivered, perfectly. What i hate more, was not the paper, but myself. If only i could spent a little more time on it, concentrate a little more. But i know very well too, no additional amount of preparation before hand will help, they were creative question, testing not only your understanding, but you brilliance is decoding it, and creating a whole new concept. I could never had prepared for that and it also proved, my brilliance, if there ever is some, were over-rated.
When i walked into the exam hall, my mind was blank, literally. It always is my style in exam, because i know myself very well, when i see the question, the formulas, the theories, all of them will pop up in my mind. They did, but it didn't help, and i panicked, and it was over. I am really hating myself now, making so much mistakes that could be avoided, and it will definitely cost me. I pray, i hope, not too much to make me fail. And there is a good chance of failing this time.
I really wish i could cry out loud, shout at myself, maybe throw a few hits at myself. But there were no tears in my eyes, nor blood in my veins. I feel just empty.
Sitting in front of the computer at home. The i realize there is really no one there i could talk to. Someone that would understand me. I am alone.
And this in the only place i could pour my heart out. So, this is my life, and im not liking it one bit.
8.6.11
Simple Solution
Perfecion, in my perspective, is simplicity. We are often misled into thinking, finer things always come with that hinge of complexity and sophistication. I somehow believe that making complicated thing simple is the essence of perfectionism.
Einstein once said: If you can't explain it simply, you just don't understand it well enough. Enough said?
It our lil stroll of life, we often face problems, one more daunting than before, or so it seems at the moment. A bridge, broken in 2, stand between us and our destination. Every superhero-adventure fantasy would first pop into our mind, from flinging ourselves from one end to the other using tree, building rafts or all sort of solutions to it. But it seems, to me at least, we often never, ever though of what is that that actually stands between us. A bridge could be just for an uneven part of road or even a small stream we can easily just walk over. Isn't it funny that people often over complicate matters and jump into complex solutions before thinking about the actual problem?
A lil story to illustrate.
Isn't this simplicity at its best?
And i believe this applies for all questions, even life as it is a whole question itself. What am i living for? What is it that i am fighting for? What am i waking up every morning for? There is really no need to dig deep to actually answer these questions. One just have to clear his/her mind, and the answer presents itself to you light flourecent in a dark cloudless night. And in our busy life chasing what we believe is our dreams, we may lost track, we may lose bearing, we will get lost. But never, ever, lose yourself.
Step out, take a deep breath, and remind yourself, what are you fighting for?
Einstein once said: If you can't explain it simply, you just don't understand it well enough. Enough said?
It our lil stroll of life, we often face problems, one more daunting than before, or so it seems at the moment. A bridge, broken in 2, stand between us and our destination. Every superhero-adventure fantasy would first pop into our mind, from flinging ourselves from one end to the other using tree, building rafts or all sort of solutions to it. But it seems, to me at least, we often never, ever though of what is that that actually stands between us. A bridge could be just for an uneven part of road or even a small stream we can easily just walk over. Isn't it funny that people often over complicate matters and jump into complex solutions before thinking about the actual problem?
A lil story to illustrate.
Isn't this simplicity at its best?
And i believe this applies for all questions, even life as it is a whole question itself. What am i living for? What is it that i am fighting for? What am i waking up every morning for? There is really no need to dig deep to actually answer these questions. One just have to clear his/her mind, and the answer presents itself to you light flourecent in a dark cloudless night. And in our busy life chasing what we believe is our dreams, we may lost track, we may lose bearing, we will get lost. But never, ever, lose yourself.
Step out, take a deep breath, and remind yourself, what are you fighting for?
2.6.11
The infinite loop of time
Exam week! I must first state that my lack of post was not from the fact im lacking in time, which is indeed so, but stem from the fact that I just don’t find the mood to do it. Its not that I have nothing to blog about, on the contrary, I am rather behind to update on the happenings around me but when I finally found time to sit down and write about it, words seems to have evaporated from my fingers…
Despite the heavy work load and the non-academia related pressures this semester, when it come to the exam week, the time table seems pretty cleared up. My first paper is only 2 weeks away, leaving plenty of time, relatively of course as I have not have such a luxury of time to study of such Actuarial papers before. Then again, this time around, camping in the uni feels so much more different than it used to be. I used to find the motivation, the fire that drives me there every single day, maybe partly due to the difficulty of the context. But after just a few days of camping there, I felt as if I’ve lost my soul or purpose of being there. Maybe I have gotten used to the difficulty of the paper that I no longer care so much about, or the fact that I have not get any news from my job applications implying that how well I know my stuff in uni don’t really matter in the working world one bit.
But more so, I really do believe I’m losing it. Staying alone was harder than it would seem I guess. Don’t get me wrong, I liked the quietness, the freedom and the space to do what I need and have a concentrated mind, but despite all that, I do wish to have a sound, a little crowd, a little fun around that I could get into after a long boring day of revision at uni. I really did lost count of the days at some point living everyday exactly the same with the only significant differentiator everyday is the topic im studying and the dinner I get. It really do felt as though im stuck in a vortex of time going through and infinite loop without even a jump event. Maybe it’s the fact that I really do have nothing to look forward to everyday that makes life so hard going through. Even as I am typing this blog, I am recounting my steps for the past week and how mundane it was. I really wish I could pick something extraordinary in each day to talk about it but it was a much more difficult task that was my subjects. And I am guessing tmr’s going to be the same.
Let’s hope there something awesome that will happen tmr and reignite the flame I’ve lost. I so need a new source of motivation to keep me moving, because what I used to want so much have lost most of its meaning to me now. Is this part of growing up? Or am I just becoming weaker?
I’m in such a mess… Take me away, will ya?
Despite the heavy work load and the non-academia related pressures this semester, when it come to the exam week, the time table seems pretty cleared up. My first paper is only 2 weeks away, leaving plenty of time, relatively of course as I have not have such a luxury of time to study of such Actuarial papers before. Then again, this time around, camping in the uni feels so much more different than it used to be. I used to find the motivation, the fire that drives me there every single day, maybe partly due to the difficulty of the context. But after just a few days of camping there, I felt as if I’ve lost my soul or purpose of being there. Maybe I have gotten used to the difficulty of the paper that I no longer care so much about, or the fact that I have not get any news from my job applications implying that how well I know my stuff in uni don’t really matter in the working world one bit.
But more so, I really do believe I’m losing it. Staying alone was harder than it would seem I guess. Don’t get me wrong, I liked the quietness, the freedom and the space to do what I need and have a concentrated mind, but despite all that, I do wish to have a sound, a little crowd, a little fun around that I could get into after a long boring day of revision at uni. I really did lost count of the days at some point living everyday exactly the same with the only significant differentiator everyday is the topic im studying and the dinner I get. It really do felt as though im stuck in a vortex of time going through and infinite loop without even a jump event. Maybe it’s the fact that I really do have nothing to look forward to everyday that makes life so hard going through. Even as I am typing this blog, I am recounting my steps for the past week and how mundane it was. I really wish I could pick something extraordinary in each day to talk about it but it was a much more difficult task that was my subjects. And I am guessing tmr’s going to be the same.
Let’s hope there something awesome that will happen tmr and reignite the flame I’ve lost. I so need a new source of motivation to keep me moving, because what I used to want so much have lost most of its meaning to me now. Is this part of growing up? Or am I just becoming weaker?
I’m in such a mess… Take me away, will ya?
8.5.11
Fair Level?
Ahh, justice! Some feels the world couldn't have more of it. And some feel that justice is strength above all. But all things aside, i recently come across a funny situation and thought to myself, what is the conceptualization of justice in people hearts?
Justice no doubt means fairness. Fair in the sense of equality and everyone receiving the same treatment. But how, exactly do we enforce this equality?
I was just done with my finance quiz and the lecturer asking our opinion on how the quiz went. He was pretty new and in fact first time teaching, so the quiz was rather much like a mess. It was overly long and seeing this, he allowed us to work on the quiz even after time's up (3 hours). But no matter, some rushed to finish within the time limit, not knowing he would extend the time (including me)and then handed in on time. Well, for me, i was just starving and didn't wanna skip dinner.
It was the complaint that make thing interesting. It is perfectly justifiable for those who went back in 3 hours or less that he didn't kept the 3 hours time limit and even announced that he would not count one of the 5 subjective questions and take the best 4 out of 5. I myself was shocked when told later by my friend as i tried really hard to finish all 5 in 3 hours! However, i was totally dumbfounded when i heard what they complain. They want the lecturer to penalize those who did not complete or used more than the requires. I was like, what the hell right? Why would you want to pull others down to 'level' the playing field instead of bringing yourself up huh? Can't you tell the lecturer to add bonus marks for those who did? And furthermore, it was their choice to hand in the paper, they could have stayed as well no? Talking about fairness! And this relates what i heard from a stand-up comedian-philosopher that talked about modern-day society's distorted view of justice.
I think people's thought about being fair is just weird. They are like in a situation of 2 people going to a hawker stall for a stick of fish ball. One person had 4 fish ball on a stick and the other had 5. So the one with 4 complained to the hawker and said "Why does he have 5 fish ball when i have 4?" Then the hawker replied: "Fine, i'll give you another fishball" But the person says "Nooo, i don't want another fishball, i want you to take away one of his fish ball then that's fair!" After he took away the fishball, the person then complained again "Why does he have chilli suace on it and mine does not?" To that the annoyed hawker replied "Okay, i'll give you chilli sauce then." Once again the dude answered "No, i want you to wipe away his chilli sauce, yea, then that's fair!" And after the hawker did that, the guy saw the other person, eating only 4 fish ball now, and even without any chilli sauce but yet still so happy. The dude then yelled :"No way,why is he so happy yet i am not! Thats not fair, i want you to make him sad as well while eating the fish ball"!
Geddit? People are so pessimistic on what they thinks is fairness, they are screwed up and in seeking to be fair blamed the whole world. When opportunity presents itself to them, they did not make good use of it and spend time blaming how good and better off people are. Is this the world we are living in?
The again, life was never made fair. Why then seek justice huh?
All credits of this pic goes to bolehland.com =p
Justice no doubt means fairness. Fair in the sense of equality and everyone receiving the same treatment. But how, exactly do we enforce this equality?
I was just done with my finance quiz and the lecturer asking our opinion on how the quiz went. He was pretty new and in fact first time teaching, so the quiz was rather much like a mess. It was overly long and seeing this, he allowed us to work on the quiz even after time's up (3 hours). But no matter, some rushed to finish within the time limit, not knowing he would extend the time (including me)and then handed in on time. Well, for me, i was just starving and didn't wanna skip dinner.
It was the complaint that make thing interesting. It is perfectly justifiable for those who went back in 3 hours or less that he didn't kept the 3 hours time limit and even announced that he would not count one of the 5 subjective questions and take the best 4 out of 5. I myself was shocked when told later by my friend as i tried really hard to finish all 5 in 3 hours! However, i was totally dumbfounded when i heard what they complain. They want the lecturer to penalize those who did not complete or used more than the requires. I was like, what the hell right? Why would you want to pull others down to 'level' the playing field instead of bringing yourself up huh? Can't you tell the lecturer to add bonus marks for those who did? And furthermore, it was their choice to hand in the paper, they could have stayed as well no? Talking about fairness! And this relates what i heard from a stand-up comedian-philosopher that talked about modern-day society's distorted view of justice.
I think people's thought about being fair is just weird. They are like in a situation of 2 people going to a hawker stall for a stick of fish ball. One person had 4 fish ball on a stick and the other had 5. So the one with 4 complained to the hawker and said "Why does he have 5 fish ball when i have 4?" Then the hawker replied: "Fine, i'll give you another fishball" But the person says "Nooo, i don't want another fishball, i want you to take away one of his fish ball then that's fair!" After he took away the fishball, the person then complained again "Why does he have chilli suace on it and mine does not?" To that the annoyed hawker replied "Okay, i'll give you chilli sauce then." Once again the dude answered "No, i want you to wipe away his chilli sauce, yea, then that's fair!" And after the hawker did that, the guy saw the other person, eating only 4 fish ball now, and even without any chilli sauce but yet still so happy. The dude then yelled :"No way,why is he so happy yet i am not! Thats not fair, i want you to make him sad as well while eating the fish ball"!
Geddit? People are so pessimistic on what they thinks is fairness, they are screwed up and in seeking to be fair blamed the whole world. When opportunity presents itself to them, they did not make good use of it and spend time blaming how good and better off people are. Is this the world we are living in?
The again, life was never made fair. Why then seek justice huh?
All credits of this pic goes to bolehland.com =p
19.4.11
Limitless
Bohoo, i have so much assignment that i feel like just not doing some of them, bummer. Especially with group assignments, meetings are so unproductive and due to my higher demands on quality i have to do the job of 3 members, i don't think i can take this much longer....bah!
Anyway, i manage (still) to catch the movie limitless as felt the movie was pretty awesome, especially the concept. Without much spoilers, its basically about a pill that give the user the potential of using 100% of their brain, become efficient, organized and resourceful. I guess it portraits the fact that people could not access the 100% potential of their brain capacity and those who can, would abuse it and be at the top of the ladder. What i enjoyed about the movie was that it reflects some of the current ills of the society. People, even with their mere 10/20% brain capacity, never fully utilize them. They are sluggish, comfort at their own zone and reluctant to reach out for the better. I actually do believe that is why we are only be able to access such little capacity of our brain - because we don't even exercise what is given to us in the first place! What a waste!
Given the volley of assignments, and other troubles that i face recently, i did feel really down and lost at times. Especially uncertainties with the future which i have little control over, i really hate them!! I guess after all,
Well, this will be my friendly reminder for the week to come, and hopefully, for anyone that feel down, cheer up ! ^^
Well, i actually do have a lot to blog about but too much on my hands to put up a post properly, but i hope i can do so soon. And to tell the truth, i think my brain needs more capacity, anybody have a limitless pill? =p
Anyway, i manage (still) to catch the movie limitless as felt the movie was pretty awesome, especially the concept. Without much spoilers, its basically about a pill that give the user the potential of using 100% of their brain, become efficient, organized and resourceful. I guess it portraits the fact that people could not access the 100% potential of their brain capacity and those who can, would abuse it and be at the top of the ladder. What i enjoyed about the movie was that it reflects some of the current ills of the society. People, even with their mere 10/20% brain capacity, never fully utilize them. They are sluggish, comfort at their own zone and reluctant to reach out for the better. I actually do believe that is why we are only be able to access such little capacity of our brain - because we don't even exercise what is given to us in the first place! What a waste!
Given the volley of assignments, and other troubles that i face recently, i did feel really down and lost at times. Especially uncertainties with the future which i have little control over, i really hate them!! I guess after all,
Well, this will be my friendly reminder for the week to come, and hopefully, for anyone that feel down, cheer up ! ^^
Well, i actually do have a lot to blog about but too much on my hands to put up a post properly, but i hope i can do so soon. And to tell the truth, i think my brain needs more capacity, anybody have a limitless pill? =p
3.4.11
The Reason...
Here i am, 8.30am on a Sunday, in the Australian School of Business Building.It's practically empty, with light not even turned-on. And i found a my spot, sat down and wondered.... what the heck am i doing here.
Gosh, people's been calling me a nerd half my life, and then suddenly i realised, i am becoming one now. Damn... and for what?
Well, shortsightedly, i'm here for my quiz tmr which i have no clue about its content and i am pretty sure i will not have it until tmr either. But in the bigger picture, i'm really in a lost. WHY AM I HERE...?
I could very well back in Malaysia, studying a far easier course and scoring it twice as easy. I could be appreciated with my results and get a job in no time, maybe even one with a good positions. I could have my parents taking care of my everyday meal, and chores, even have a car to drive around. I would have friends, that i can talk to, have fun with and even laugh our hearts out. With the contacts i have at home, i have opportunities, to do whatever form of small business i want. And humbly, with my skills, i believe i can make it up the ranks. In essence, i will be in my comfort zone.
But yet, i choose a path less traveled. Here, i study a crazy course, where your results does not seem reflect your talent or your effort, but in the difficulty in which the paper is set. I spent most my time studying, just so that i can walk in the exam hall, not with confidence, but with a little less fear. I need to care for my 3 meals and the numerous daily chores of daily life. I don't have close friends that i can talk my heart out to. I wake up alone and go to sleep just the same. I don't have a job and struggle to find one. I know no contacts, and the currency here is so high that my savings had become trivial. With my skills, i am consider mediocre at best. In essence, i am either crazy, suicidal, or an idiot.
And the funniest thing is, people envy me. Don't ask me how, don't ask me why, but the grass is always greener on the other side. I envy them too.
Is it glory and fame that i seek? To prove myself better than anyone else back home? Is it wealth and success that i seek, because no one guarantees it, even if i am here.Is it happiness in life that i seek? But it sure seem much joyful back home with my group of friends.
Deep down inside, i knew i made this choice, and i knew i wanted it. Even with a million reasons that says i'm nothing but a fool, i will keep walking.
Taking the path less traveled, is less glamorous than it seems, and it's not always the most rewarding one. But i want a change, i want challenge and i want to see how far i can go. I believe everyone is gifted in their own unique way. And i don't want to live in a mediocracy that will bury my potential. I want a path that will squeeze every soul and strength out of me, and keep squeezing. Even if it kills me one day, and left me with nothing but a title of idiocy. It's worth it, because, i would have lived a life, without regret. =p
Now, back to my studies =/
Gosh, people's been calling me a nerd half my life, and then suddenly i realised, i am becoming one now. Damn... and for what?
Well, shortsightedly, i'm here for my quiz tmr which i have no clue about its content and i am pretty sure i will not have it until tmr either. But in the bigger picture, i'm really in a lost. WHY AM I HERE...?
I could very well back in Malaysia, studying a far easier course and scoring it twice as easy. I could be appreciated with my results and get a job in no time, maybe even one with a good positions. I could have my parents taking care of my everyday meal, and chores, even have a car to drive around. I would have friends, that i can talk to, have fun with and even laugh our hearts out. With the contacts i have at home, i have opportunities, to do whatever form of small business i want. And humbly, with my skills, i believe i can make it up the ranks. In essence, i will be in my comfort zone.
But yet, i choose a path less traveled. Here, i study a crazy course, where your results does not seem reflect your talent or your effort, but in the difficulty in which the paper is set. I spent most my time studying, just so that i can walk in the exam hall, not with confidence, but with a little less fear. I need to care for my 3 meals and the numerous daily chores of daily life. I don't have close friends that i can talk my heart out to. I wake up alone and go to sleep just the same. I don't have a job and struggle to find one. I know no contacts, and the currency here is so high that my savings had become trivial. With my skills, i am consider mediocre at best. In essence, i am either crazy, suicidal, or an idiot.
And the funniest thing is, people envy me. Don't ask me how, don't ask me why, but the grass is always greener on the other side. I envy them too.
Is it glory and fame that i seek? To prove myself better than anyone else back home? Is it wealth and success that i seek, because no one guarantees it, even if i am here.Is it happiness in life that i seek? But it sure seem much joyful back home with my group of friends.
Deep down inside, i knew i made this choice, and i knew i wanted it. Even with a million reasons that says i'm nothing but a fool, i will keep walking.
Taking the path less traveled, is less glamorous than it seems, and it's not always the most rewarding one. But i want a change, i want challenge and i want to see how far i can go. I believe everyone is gifted in their own unique way. And i don't want to live in a mediocracy that will bury my potential. I want a path that will squeeze every soul and strength out of me, and keep squeezing. Even if it kills me one day, and left me with nothing but a title of idiocy. It's worth it, because, i would have lived a life, without regret. =p
Now, back to my studies =/
31.3.11
Ignore the World
I really wonder if i am ready for this. And i'm pretty sure i'm now too frustrated and tired that i will regret writing this post.
Only in times of trouble that one really do realize, how cold this world is. That after all, you are really alone. I, am really alone here. Nobody understands what i'm going through, andyet they stand at the sidewalks giving advice and instructions like they knew it all. I hate being strong all the time, i hate being smart all the time, because at times like this, who can i turn to? There is really no one i can really depend on, that can even share some of my troubles.
Is coming here really the right choice? Is staying here really worth it? I just wish, for once, as i have never wished before, that i can ignore the world, and just do whatever i want. I am, indeed, born with nothing. But why, do i have to bear all this now, even when i know, i'm leaving with nothing as well. Damn it...
And for my up coming Actuarial 5105 quiz,i really dun understand why its got to be this hard. Can't you make a few SIMPLE, SHORT question that people understands and HAVE ENOUGH time to do? Instead of SEVEN IMPOSSIBLE question in one hour so that you will never have time to finish but just so you have SOMETHING to write on the paper. Yes, thank you, and this will be my reply, although, i need to find, more than a 'x'.
And yes, i promised myself not to whine this year, and i am regretting this already. I'm too weak afterall.
Only in times of trouble that one really do realize, how cold this world is. That after all, you are really alone. I, am really alone here. Nobody understands what i'm going through, andyet they stand at the sidewalks giving advice and instructions like they knew it all. I hate being strong all the time, i hate being smart all the time, because at times like this, who can i turn to? There is really no one i can really depend on, that can even share some of my troubles.
Is coming here really the right choice? Is staying here really worth it? I just wish, for once, as i have never wished before, that i can ignore the world, and just do whatever i want. I am, indeed, born with nothing. But why, do i have to bear all this now, even when i know, i'm leaving with nothing as well. Damn it...
And for my up coming Actuarial 5105 quiz,i really dun understand why its got to be this hard. Can't you make a few SIMPLE, SHORT question that people understands and HAVE ENOUGH time to do? Instead of SEVEN IMPOSSIBLE question in one hour so that you will never have time to finish but just so you have SOMETHING to write on the paper. Yes, thank you, and this will be my reply, although, i need to find, more than a 'x'.
And yes, i promised myself not to whine this year, and i am regretting this already. I'm too weak afterall.
28.3.11
MATH
I guess this is my first blog since i came back to Sydney, that is, a month ago. Been kept up with ample things (still is) but i shall return to my lil diary/blog.
There are so much going through my mind that i hardly have a good sleep these days. I missed my usual carefree self where nothing can bring my mood down. Conclusion, growing up is no fun! Now i know why grown-up smiles so much lesser and seems so much more unhappy, i think i am getting there...
Anyway, i have quiz coming soon so i shall focus on my more recent problems rather than thinking about the long term ones. And by the end of this week, a lot would have been settled (i hope) and if not, i'll be stressing for another few more weeks. Really hope my path clears up for me now. Shall not write much today, but will be back for frequent updates! =p
Whoever that does this ought to know!
=p. Funny thing is, the A in math can be 'Awesome' as well! Food for thought!
There are so much going through my mind that i hardly have a good sleep these days. I missed my usual carefree self where nothing can bring my mood down. Conclusion, growing up is no fun! Now i know why grown-up smiles so much lesser and seems so much more unhappy, i think i am getting there...
Anyway, i have quiz coming soon so i shall focus on my more recent problems rather than thinking about the long term ones. And by the end of this week, a lot would have been settled (i hope) and if not, i'll be stressing for another few more weeks. Really hope my path clears up for me now. Shall not write much today, but will be back for frequent updates! =p
Whoever that does this ought to know!
=p. Funny thing is, the A in math can be 'Awesome' as well! Food for thought!
20.2.11
Departure
"Like the sunset, all we could do is watch as the beauty fades into the horizon. Nothing we could do to stop it, only to appreciate it more and capture that window of time in our memories, hopefully for eternity." 
Shhh...
Life feels different at every phase. Liken an adventure story from a fairy tale, each chapter brings new conquest, new villains, new challenges and new terrains that our little heroes must overcome to ultimately save the princess. As the pages of my life flips, I would enter into a new chapter once again.
I officially felt left behind since the last known college mate of mine has moved into the working world too. Everyone is now in the euphoria of money-making and goal achieving. For once in my life, I felt like I’m too slow. Heh! It’s not like I’m not making an effort, but the unconventional methods applied does sort of lack the general consensus to boost confidence. Trading and investment may seem like a sure way, but just after one year of experience, I felt that I have much to learn and investing is really not for everyone. Talent, time, patience and effort are essential to make success from this endeavor and I seriously doubt I have all the keys. Yet, if I don’t knock, how would I know if its lock, eh? Time will tell.
I’ve been in Australia for 2 years now. Each, a journey of its own. The first was by far the most enjoyable and happiest, but ironically making it the most regrettable. It will remain as a memory I treasure kept in my vault of reminiscence. Life took ironic turns. As I learn to appreciate memories better, my second year was hectic, busy and to a certain extent boring. It was a great sample to my future life in Australia, and I must say I didn’t enjoy it all that much. As the third year approaches, I wonder how it would turn out to be. A roller-coaster ride no doubt, but screams of fear or screams of joy, I can’t tell.
The last few days, I have been meeting up as many friends as I could for the customary pre-departure catch up. I must say I’ve been very luck to know each and every one of them, which added colors to my black and white pages. I knew I was the anti-social kind with a liking of being alone, yet they show me the warmth of company I will miss in Sydney. I doubt I could be lucky again getting to know such a rowdy bunch there, which cast doubts about my decision to stay there.
Bah, the mix of feelings in my brains is killing me now. I used to be so stale of emotions. There are so much on my mind now. The fact that I do not see my future self in front of me now disappoints me. Because this proves that a time machines was never built in my life time, for I would have used to come back to this point, and tell myself, if it’s all worth it in the future. I’m so lost… Maybe my friends are right, I should really get a partner I can talk to and share my soul with, but yet, it’s easier said than done =S
Lemme tell you a secret....
Shhh...
14.2.11
Happy Valentine!
This day, usually does not mean much to me, but this year, it kinda feels weird.
I remembered black skies, the lightning all around me
I remembered each flash as time began to blur
Like a startling sign that fate had finally found me
And your voice was all I heard that I get what I deserve
So give me reason to prove me wrong, to wash this memory clean
Let the floods cross the distance in your eyes
Give me reason to fill this hole, connect the space between
Let it be enough to reach the truth that lies across this new divide
There was nothing in sight but memories left abandoned
There was nowhere to hide, the ashes fell like snow
And the ground caved in between where we were standing
And your voice was all I heard that I get what I deserve
So give me reason to prove me wrong, to wash this memory clean
Let the floods cross the distance in your eyes across this new divide
In every loss, in every lie, in every truth that you'd deny
And each regret and each goodbye was a mistake too great to hide
And your voice was all I heard that I get what I deserve
So give me reason to prove me wrong, to wash this memory clean
Let the floods cross the distance in your eyes
Give me reason to fill this hole, connect the space between
Let it be enough to reach the truth that lies across this new divide
Across this new divide, across this new divide
Awesome song! Just hope, like the lyrics i can cross this new divide and to have a reason to be wrong!!! Feeling all lovey-dovey eh? =D
I remembered black skies, the lightning all around me
I remembered each flash as time began to blur
Like a startling sign that fate had finally found me
And your voice was all I heard that I get what I deserve
So give me reason to prove me wrong, to wash this memory clean
Let the floods cross the distance in your eyes
Give me reason to fill this hole, connect the space between
Let it be enough to reach the truth that lies across this new divide
There was nothing in sight but memories left abandoned
There was nowhere to hide, the ashes fell like snow
And the ground caved in between where we were standing
And your voice was all I heard that I get what I deserve
So give me reason to prove me wrong, to wash this memory clean
Let the floods cross the distance in your eyes across this new divide
In every loss, in every lie, in every truth that you'd deny
And each regret and each goodbye was a mistake too great to hide
And your voice was all I heard that I get what I deserve
So give me reason to prove me wrong, to wash this memory clean
Let the floods cross the distance in your eyes
Give me reason to fill this hole, connect the space between
Let it be enough to reach the truth that lies across this new divide
Across this new divide, across this new divide
Awesome song! Just hope, like the lyrics i can cross this new divide and to have a reason to be wrong!!! Feeling all lovey-dovey eh? =D
10.2.11
If not now, when?
"I do not wish to learn many skills, know many things, and have many friends. I only need one extraordinary skill, know something very well and have some true friends."
The Chinese New Year is evidently over, with much of the people back to work and busy with their life making success, my life is once again reduced to a boring routine of helping my parents and studying for IELTs. The only luxury that I can have now seems only to have a good book to read and some peace to concentrate on my Hope Fund.
Speaking of which, my time is almost up here in Malaysia. About 2 weeks or less from now, I’ll be far away again, this time, not knowing when I’ll be back again. I have much to do actually, IELTs exams coming this sat and next mon, making my dental appointment and finishing up my shop list. I guess the next time I set foot here, friends will come in big cars handing me business cards with big titles. This trip, everyone was talking about their dreams and their plans on getting there. Some maybe more secretive than others, but I really don’t see the point of hiding it. However nuisance it is, it is but a dream =p
I really think I am a simple guy. I don’t need a job with high positions, just one that pays me what I’m worth. I don’t really need a fancy job, maybe even just an ordinary bank job that gives me more free time to work on my own Hope Fund. I believe investing for myself is much better than helping the bank do it and getting paid just a small share of it. Sadly, making a profit from trading is far tougher than I imagined. I really want to put more effort into it, master the skills and make it work, but so far, the lack of capital has made Hope Fund a standstill. With the ability to grow the fund but not enough money to grow on sucks!
Life is such a bitch.
Those with the money are wasting them on unnecessary or temporal pleasures of luxury. Some stuff them in the bank thinking that they are growing it. Those who have the heart and knowledge to grow or even multiply it are however, does not have the money. Another idiotic phase of life.
I really wanted to sell the funds to friends despite my principle of not wanting to mix friendship and business. But in light of the riskiness of the fund and many really don't save much, i really hate to see friendship turns sour from such a thing. Then again, if one of Warren Buffet's friend trusted him when he's started his fund, the friend could have easily become a billionaire by now. I'm not saying i could but i really wanna share this opportunity with others too and i really want the money. After all, this is my dream =p and i don't want this opportunity to slip through!
It's risky, yes, but isn't this the best time to risk it all?
On a side note, to someone stalking my blog, you know who you are. I think you are the only one reading this blog. And I really don’t think you know me good enough, haha, I shall sit down and listen on how you analyze me one day =D
The Chinese New Year is evidently over, with much of the people back to work and busy with their life making success, my life is once again reduced to a boring routine of helping my parents and studying for IELTs. The only luxury that I can have now seems only to have a good book to read and some peace to concentrate on my Hope Fund.
Speaking of which, my time is almost up here in Malaysia. About 2 weeks or less from now, I’ll be far away again, this time, not knowing when I’ll be back again. I have much to do actually, IELTs exams coming this sat and next mon, making my dental appointment and finishing up my shop list. I guess the next time I set foot here, friends will come in big cars handing me business cards with big titles. This trip, everyone was talking about their dreams and their plans on getting there. Some maybe more secretive than others, but I really don’t see the point of hiding it. However nuisance it is, it is but a dream =p
I really think I am a simple guy. I don’t need a job with high positions, just one that pays me what I’m worth. I don’t really need a fancy job, maybe even just an ordinary bank job that gives me more free time to work on my own Hope Fund. I believe investing for myself is much better than helping the bank do it and getting paid just a small share of it. Sadly, making a profit from trading is far tougher than I imagined. I really want to put more effort into it, master the skills and make it work, but so far, the lack of capital has made Hope Fund a standstill. With the ability to grow the fund but not enough money to grow on sucks!
Life is such a bitch.
Those with the money are wasting them on unnecessary or temporal pleasures of luxury. Some stuff them in the bank thinking that they are growing it. Those who have the heart and knowledge to grow or even multiply it are however, does not have the money. Another idiotic phase of life.
I really wanted to sell the funds to friends despite my principle of not wanting to mix friendship and business. But in light of the riskiness of the fund and many really don't save much, i really hate to see friendship turns sour from such a thing. Then again, if one of Warren Buffet's friend trusted him when he's started his fund, the friend could have easily become a billionaire by now. I'm not saying i could but i really wanna share this opportunity with others too and i really want the money. After all, this is my dream =p and i don't want this opportunity to slip through!
It's risky, yes, but isn't this the best time to risk it all?
On a side note, to someone stalking my blog, you know who you are. I think you are the only one reading this blog. And I really don’t think you know me good enough, haha, I shall sit down and listen on how you analyze me one day =D
1.2.11
Life is but a paradox.
The more you live to think about it, the more it seems ironic to you. Well at least to me.
Some people don’t understand the true meaning to time value of money. If money have time value through compounding, it would eventually means that time have monetary value. Wasting time = wasting money, no? It is indeed common mistake to put money away and lose its time value but I really don’t see why people could spend their time away just to save a few bucks. Example? People could spend hours stuck in traffic not forgetting the petrol used to save for a toll of 2 bucks? Enlighten me please.
After all...
=p
The concept of sales also fascinates me. I think it can be said to be one of the greatest creation of all time. Really, whoever that invented it deserves a Nobel Price! Can you imagine the fact that it can make people fight through crowds, wait enormously long queue, spend more money and yet appear at the end of the day, happy, even proud and saying “I saved money!” Ahh, the power of sales, incredible!!!
Maybe it’s true, buying in bulk may save in the long run but what amazes me even more is that people would bargain and try to squeeze in every penny from a small purchase, from a shirt to a shoe to some souvenirs but never did it cross their mind to get a better price in large purchase, like securities or their housing. Truly remarkable.
It also just hit me that life as a whole nowadays is like a paradox. We exist to enjoy or to a lesser extent, survive. In such a monetary idolizing world, money is essential to survival which brings us to working. In working, we stress, we struggle, we crack our brains to get better pay, to get better living conditions. So why to we make our lives hard in the first place just so that in our ultimate goal is to make life simple? This is indeed a paradox harder to solve that any mathematical question. And I guess my life will soon be part of it, however so unwilling I am to be part of it. Which brings me to the point that people also never do things they know are right, and on the contrary, do the otherwise. Weird ain’t it?
I guess even I...
=X
And i wish everything can be this simple =D Ignoring the world.
Also, I guess relationship matters are becoming a paradoxical scenario for me. I am no expert, in fact, I’m even far from being a noob. People try so hard to seek for a true love, but when love do come, they are unsure and afraid to grab hold of it. And sometimes, when they finally want to take it, it seems too late and all is already lost.
Maybe, part of loving is letting go. How ironic!
The more you live to think about it, the more it seems ironic to you. Well at least to me.
Some people don’t understand the true meaning to time value of money. If money have time value through compounding, it would eventually means that time have monetary value. Wasting time = wasting money, no? It is indeed common mistake to put money away and lose its time value but I really don’t see why people could spend their time away just to save a few bucks. Example? People could spend hours stuck in traffic not forgetting the petrol used to save for a toll of 2 bucks? Enlighten me please.
After all...
=p
The concept of sales also fascinates me. I think it can be said to be one of the greatest creation of all time. Really, whoever that invented it deserves a Nobel Price! Can you imagine the fact that it can make people fight through crowds, wait enormously long queue, spend more money and yet appear at the end of the day, happy, even proud and saying “I saved money!” Ahh, the power of sales, incredible!!!
Maybe it’s true, buying in bulk may save in the long run but what amazes me even more is that people would bargain and try to squeeze in every penny from a small purchase, from a shirt to a shoe to some souvenirs but never did it cross their mind to get a better price in large purchase, like securities or their housing. Truly remarkable.
It also just hit me that life as a whole nowadays is like a paradox. We exist to enjoy or to a lesser extent, survive. In such a monetary idolizing world, money is essential to survival which brings us to working. In working, we stress, we struggle, we crack our brains to get better pay, to get better living conditions. So why to we make our lives hard in the first place just so that in our ultimate goal is to make life simple? This is indeed a paradox harder to solve that any mathematical question. And I guess my life will soon be part of it, however so unwilling I am to be part of it. Which brings me to the point that people also never do things they know are right, and on the contrary, do the otherwise. Weird ain’t it?
I guess even I...
=X
And i wish everything can be this simple =D Ignoring the world.
Also, I guess relationship matters are becoming a paradoxical scenario for me. I am no expert, in fact, I’m even far from being a noob. People try so hard to seek for a true love, but when love do come, they are unsure and afraid to grab hold of it. And sometimes, when they finally want to take it, it seems too late and all is already lost.
Maybe, part of loving is letting go. How ironic!
26.1.11
Bounded
I just want to be free, is that all too much to ask? I guess my dream of living life just as I want it is going to remain nothing but a dream. I see so many constraints ahead in my life. I feel like a bird in a cage too small for me to even stretch my wings at length.
I yearn for freedom.
One day, one day, I will take flight, and really, be who I want to be, who I can be.
I yearn for freedom.
One day, one day, I will take flight, and really, be who I want to be, who I can be.
22.1.11
Secrets...
To someone...
I need another story
Something to get off my chest
My life gets kind of boring
Need something that i can confess
Till all my sleeves are stained red
From all the truth that I've said
Come by it honestly I swear
Thought you saw me wink, no, I've been on the brink, so
Tell me what you want to hear
Something that were like those years
I'm sick of all the insincere
So I'm gonna give all my secrets away
This time
Don't need another perfect lie
Don't care if critics ever jump in line
I'm Gonna give all my secrets away
My God, amazing how we got this far
It's like were chasing all those stars
Who's driving shiny big black cars
And everyday I see the news
All the problems we could solve
And when a situation rises
Just write it into an album
Singing straight to cold?
I don't really like my flow, no, so
Got no reason
Got no shame
Got no family
I can blame
Just don't let me disappear
I'ma tell you everything
[CHORUS x2]
All my secrets away (x2)
I wish it was all that easy, to write out all my secrets like it was a diary, knowing no one would know, but only you. =p
I need another story
Something to get off my chest
My life gets kind of boring
Need something that i can confess
Till all my sleeves are stained red
From all the truth that I've said
Come by it honestly I swear
Thought you saw me wink, no, I've been on the brink, so
Tell me what you want to hear
Something that were like those years
I'm sick of all the insincere
So I'm gonna give all my secrets away
This time
Don't need another perfect lie
Don't care if critics ever jump in line
I'm Gonna give all my secrets away
My God, amazing how we got this far
It's like were chasing all those stars
Who's driving shiny big black cars
And everyday I see the news
All the problems we could solve
And when a situation rises
Just write it into an album
Singing straight to cold?
I don't really like my flow, no, so
Got no reason
Got no shame
Got no family
I can blame
Just don't let me disappear
I'ma tell you everything
[CHORUS x2]
All my secrets away (x2)
I wish it was all that easy, to write out all my secrets like it was a diary, knowing no one would know, but only you. =p
18.1.11
To build a time machine...
Sometimes, i wonder.
After all the trouble, giving up all those stuff, and in the end, what do i get? In the end, is it all worthwhile?
After all the trouble, giving up all those stuff, and in the end, what do i get? In the end, is it all worthwhile?
17.1.11
Remote island or island remoted?
Men in general judge more by the sense of sight than by the sense of touch, because everyone can see but only a few can test by feeling. Everyone sees what you seem to be, few know what you really are; and those few do not dare take a stand against the general opinion.
Niccolo Machiavelli – The Prince
I must admit that I was a little disappointed last week. As my IELTS classes are starting this week, I would be pretty busy studying and finishing up my to-do list and so I thought I should go out with friends while I still could. But I guess everyone’s busy with their own stuff, and I do feel a bit left out. It's not that I didn’t expect it when I first came back, but actually feeling it is another matter. Maybe it’s just me, still living in my own chilling world, but everyone seems to have moved on, working.
And so I am confused. When I were still in university/ college, I thought I was way too mature to be thinking about investment, or working, saving up money and preparing oneself for their dreams. I was told to have fun. And have fun I did. Now that I came back and try to have fun, everyone seems to be in the trance state I was a couple of years ago, not that I am no longer in one, but probably in a lesser extent. So, is it me…??? Or Bazinga! I'm sucker-punched? (Sry, recently addicted to Bing Bang theory, it's sooo good!=)
I guess i am just weird. Those outlier in an evenly distributed graph or speck lying outside the galactic rim, lost and strange. Maybe there's a little Asperism in me after all, huh?
No matter, whether i am moving away from the crowd or if the crowd is moving away from me, i will continue to be who i am. If this is how it will go, if this is what it takes so be it!
Niccolo Machiavelli – The Prince
I must admit that I was a little disappointed last week. As my IELTS classes are starting this week, I would be pretty busy studying and finishing up my to-do list and so I thought I should go out with friends while I still could. But I guess everyone’s busy with their own stuff, and I do feel a bit left out. It's not that I didn’t expect it when I first came back, but actually feeling it is another matter. Maybe it’s just me, still living in my own chilling world, but everyone seems to have moved on, working.
And so I am confused. When I were still in university/ college, I thought I was way too mature to be thinking about investment, or working, saving up money and preparing oneself for their dreams. I was told to have fun. And have fun I did. Now that I came back and try to have fun, everyone seems to be in the trance state I was a couple of years ago, not that I am no longer in one, but probably in a lesser extent. So, is it me…??? Or Bazinga! I'm sucker-punched? (Sry, recently addicted to Bing Bang theory, it's sooo good!=)
I guess i am just weird. Those outlier in an evenly distributed graph or speck lying outside the galactic rim, lost and strange. Maybe there's a little Asperism in me after all, huh?
No matter, whether i am moving away from the crowd or if the crowd is moving away from me, i will continue to be who i am. If this is how it will go, if this is what it takes so be it!
9.1.11
To do List !
I just realized I’m in such a situation. Allow me to demonstrate it, graphically…
I have been feeling exceptionally free last week and this weekend as well since there is nobody to meet up or much to do. So I begin listing stuff I should do before I head back and before I realize it, I’m running out of time. Just a to-do list to remind me before I go back to Sydney;
1 – Registering for IELTS classes and examinations and when these start, I will have daily classes. Man, didn’t expect class to start this early.
2 - Police Clearance. So much to prepare for it like passport photos and statutory declaration and I have to go all the way to Putrajaya!
3 – Shopping. There was a list of things I need to refill for my Aussie supply. Time to find that list and tick it off!
4 – One more subject am pending approval from my university to enroll in. Seriously, they need approval from so many department for me just to enroll in a subject that supposedly beyond my scope. Seriously, isn’t that my problem and shouldn’t you let me worry about it? Tsk..
5 – Renew my driver’s license due to expire soon. xD
6 – Need to reformat my computer. Its been buggy since I got there and wanna make sure it’s all smooth before I bring it on a bumpy journey of programming again =D
7 – Doing my research for the HOPE fund !
Doesn’t seems like it’s a lot right. But I have only a month or so to do it, considering Chinese New year in the Middle and a week to pack my stuff back to Aussie land. I guess this will keep me very busy like those around me ^^”
I have been feeling exceptionally free last week and this weekend as well since there is nobody to meet up or much to do. So I begin listing stuff I should do before I head back and before I realize it, I’m running out of time. Just a to-do list to remind me before I go back to Sydney;
1 – Registering for IELTS classes and examinations and when these start, I will have daily classes. Man, didn’t expect class to start this early.
2 - Police Clearance. So much to prepare for it like passport photos and statutory declaration and I have to go all the way to Putrajaya!
3 – Shopping. There was a list of things I need to refill for my Aussie supply. Time to find that list and tick it off!
4 – One more subject am pending approval from my university to enroll in. Seriously, they need approval from so many department for me just to enroll in a subject that supposedly beyond my scope. Seriously, isn’t that my problem and shouldn’t you let me worry about it? Tsk..
5 – Renew my driver’s license due to expire soon. xD
6 – Need to reformat my computer. Its been buggy since I got there and wanna make sure it’s all smooth before I bring it on a bumpy journey of programming again =D
7 – Doing my research for the HOPE fund !
Doesn’t seems like it’s a lot right. But I have only a month or so to do it, considering Chinese New year in the Middle and a week to pack my stuff back to Aussie land. I guess this will keep me very busy like those around me ^^”
6.1.11
Numb...
Who really knows the person behind the fake smiles of a clown?
I sometimes wonder if there is some real greatness born into me? Cause everyone seems have such high expectations of me that I myself doubt I have in me.
Just the other day, my dad was lecturing on what great things he expects me to achieve starting with his own. He was a great salesman, an extraordinary one in his time. In his heights, he did so well that it jeopardized his sales team with he own sales volume that his boss had to fired him, much similar to the fate of mortgage legend of Lewis Ranieri with his days in Salomon Brothers, though much smaller in scale. What he expects of me, however, is twice as good as his heights. Ouch…!
Even friends thinking highly of me, and expects me to be something/one great in the future. Don’t get me wrong, I am deeply honored but it also places a social pressure on me. Although I personally don’t give a damn about what other people thinks, I do treasure my friends greatly and hold their view with much importance. Sometimes, I try not to care but I do. As such, I try not to screw up as much as I could.
Yes, I am a great dreamer but I am not greedy. I do too want to achieve great things much to people expectations. But I don’t like the pressure forcefully bestowed upon me. I like to walk my own path, and chase my dreams, achieve them … in my own way. With much hopes from others, I tend to take less risk I normally would and can in my own manner. Yes, maybe by risking it all, I will fail badly in life, but it would not matter then if you didn’t expect anything of me, no? I just don’t want to walk a path because everyone thinks I should, yet under the illuminating light of my close ones, it seems like it’s the only right path to go.
I wanna chase my dreams, but not with the price of fun or youth. I wanna do it, my way. So can you please let me go?
Now, this song describes me more accurately than any other. I really do feel…Numb.
1.1.11
Resolutions
Day 1 for 2011.
I didn't celebrate the countdown for 2011 to much people's surprise, except those who already knew me well enough. I don't understand why! What is the big fuss about being a brand new year if you can't even treasure every brand new day?
Well, i guess it's a social obligation to celebrate and that makes me, socially inept?
Moving on the resolutions. Every year, we made them and break them and again and again. I guess the whole purpose of making them seems more of a routine than a motivational magnet to propel us forward nowadays. Rather than list of stuff that i promise myself to achieve this year, i will in fact make just one resolution, which is...
Simple as that. Do we actually need to be anything else?
On a more focused page, i really would like to concentrate more on my social skills. I do know it's one of my greatest weakness, but hey doesn't that make me who i am? Doesn't changing it makes me being a 'fake' person. Must i really say and pretend to be interested in some conversation even though it is boring as hell just to be fit in? I don't know. Fitting in just isn't my thing i guess, some people are born with it and some people (like me) just have to learn to suck it all out.
I really don't know if it's my personality that i am born with or its a childhood brought up thing but my sis and dad sure don't have any problems. I just don't like to be in large crowd of people i hardly know or in crowded places for that matter. And i'm also not the type who would go to you in the first day of school and say "Hi, my name is Arthur, we should be friends!" I am also not the kinda of person who would easily struck up conversation, much less interesting ones. Even with close friends, i usually prefer listening than talking. Tell me what does that make me ??
Before, it doesn't pose itself to me as something of major concern. I am fine very much being alone doing my stuff. Furthermore, i think i am lucky enough to get to know really good friends along the way that are enough (more than enough shall i say) to keep me occupied. How i met them and being part of that social circle is still very much a mystery to me! But now, it seems that it is the cavalry of my war - Essential for my victory. Calling a foreign land home is cool as it sound but people never see the difficulties, well for someone like me. Without the support of family, i think getting a few good friend there is of importance especially in times of trouble and to make the journey more fun. And with my social prowess, i had a hard time and will still have them if effort is not made. Another major concern will be job hunting. It is to my understanding that employers do not prefer socially inept people especially when they have so much highly talented well rounders to choose from. Enough said right?
Life is easy when we live in mediocre. But what i wanna do is...
So, life is hard, but who cares! I'd rather be hard than to be dead. =D
I didn't celebrate the countdown for 2011 to much people's surprise, except those who already knew me well enough. I don't understand why! What is the big fuss about being a brand new year if you can't even treasure every brand new day?
Well, i guess it's a social obligation to celebrate and that makes me, socially inept?
Moving on the resolutions. Every year, we made them and break them and again and again. I guess the whole purpose of making them seems more of a routine than a motivational magnet to propel us forward nowadays. Rather than list of stuff that i promise myself to achieve this year, i will in fact make just one resolution, which is...
Simple as that. Do we actually need to be anything else?
On a more focused page, i really would like to concentrate more on my social skills. I do know it's one of my greatest weakness, but hey doesn't that make me who i am? Doesn't changing it makes me being a 'fake' person. Must i really say and pretend to be interested in some conversation even though it is boring as hell just to be fit in? I don't know. Fitting in just isn't my thing i guess, some people are born with it and some people (like me) just have to learn to suck it all out.
I really don't know if it's my personality that i am born with or its a childhood brought up thing but my sis and dad sure don't have any problems. I just don't like to be in large crowd of people i hardly know or in crowded places for that matter. And i'm also not the type who would go to you in the first day of school and say "Hi, my name is Arthur, we should be friends!" I am also not the kinda of person who would easily struck up conversation, much less interesting ones. Even with close friends, i usually prefer listening than talking. Tell me what does that make me ??
Before, it doesn't pose itself to me as something of major concern. I am fine very much being alone doing my stuff. Furthermore, i think i am lucky enough to get to know really good friends along the way that are enough (more than enough shall i say) to keep me occupied. How i met them and being part of that social circle is still very much a mystery to me! But now, it seems that it is the cavalry of my war - Essential for my victory. Calling a foreign land home is cool as it sound but people never see the difficulties, well for someone like me. Without the support of family, i think getting a few good friend there is of importance especially in times of trouble and to make the journey more fun. And with my social prowess, i had a hard time and will still have them if effort is not made. Another major concern will be job hunting. It is to my understanding that employers do not prefer socially inept people especially when they have so much highly talented well rounders to choose from. Enough said right?
Life is easy when we live in mediocre. But what i wanna do is...
So, life is hard, but who cares! I'd rather be hard than to be dead. =D
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