Let the... Skyfall !

It's hard fighting a losing battle. Harder yet if you know it will never end.

Sometimes, we'd all laugh out loud when we spot a cheesy film plot development. Too often it is that the main villain turn out to be a father/mother/lover/close one of our most beloved protagonist. We'll then watch un-excitedly how our hero struggle in agony to choose between justice and morality. But what do you know, these shit do happen and you will never comprehend the agony until you've been in one of these internal struggle that will crumble the very foundation of your beliefs.

Seriously, what'd you do when you are stuck between family values and righteousness? It'd be easy to brag and justify choosing to do what's right but when you are really up to the moment of action, can you say you will not waver? No matter what, your family had done so much for you; they've born you, fed you, nurture you and educate you. Even the very opportunity of learning to distinguish between right from wrong were given to you by them. But then again, can you stand to see such wrong and selfish act being carried out by the ones you love albeit every inch of your consciousness screams for justice?

Normally, faced with such situation, i would always find a way to stall and squeeze myself away in such situations. But not anymore. This time its too big and too serious to ignore. I guess i've been such a coward all along, running away from my problems and thinking it was witty to avoid them. Life's not all butterfly and roses. This time i learn the hard way that one must learn to man up and make sacrifices in order to live through it. I guess i didn't realize i've been living in my own cocoon of imaginary heaven, until the sky, starts falling on me...

So let the skyfall...

When it crumbles...

Will I stand tall?

And face it all?

Or i'll just... fall?

And give it up, all ...

Smile

I often find it hard to express myself here on my blog, which is the main reason I rarely do it anymore. It is not that I have nothing to say, but in fact, too much to begin with. Perhaps what the blog lacks is a sense of anonymity, for I hate to show my inner, softer, but darker side to the world. Yes, I do not care how to world view me, much like the currently heated debate of Alvin Tan and his sexploits, I just want a mean to express myself without too much judgement. Don’t read if you don’t want to.

I’ve been through a lot lately, watching a failed marriage right in the middle of it. I may say I’m ok, but this experience scarred me much more than I’d like to admit. For one, seeing years of relationship ties turn hateful and dissolving into thin air brought away what little faith I have in human relationship. I am one of those people who treasures friendship above all else. Maybe it is because I could not find this feeling of trust and believe at home, I believe solely in one person – myself. But friends, gave me that sense of happiness, belonging and that glimmer of confidence that I can share my vulnerabilities with others where I can’t, in my so called ‘home’. But this divorce has shaken me up that I could now seek solace and comfort within the void of my own heart. Secondly, it is beyond my vocabulary to even attempt to describe that feeling, watching those so close to you and those that you believe you can trust with your life turn so selfish and materialistic. One moment, when you are on her side, she’d make you feel like you’re on cloud 9, with cooling breeze to sweet wine. The moment you stay neutral, the cloud would turn into potted flame and everything is yours to blame. I believe only those who’ve been through it would truly feel how helpless and disgusted to be in that position. 

And even after the great divide, things have barely improved. I’m tired both physically and mentally especially with my own troubles with work, career and life’s whatnots knocking up my door. I truly understand how hard it is to find someone you can trust, you can believe, you can love. And even more difficult to find one with a reciprocal feeling. I’ve loved and lost and I don’t think I can ever fully trust again. Even letting go is killing me from the inside. With all these emotions and anguish trapped in my mind, all I can do now is… smile =)

And keep smiling… =D

Because I don’t know how long more I could last, before tears would start to fall. . . . .

Endure

Sometimes you look up and there seems to be so many more stars than ever before. More. They burn brighter and they shine longer and they never vanish into your periphery when you turn your head. It's as if they come out for us and to remind us that their light took so long to come to us, that if we never had the patience to wait, we never would have seen them here, tonight, like this. 


That as much as it hurts, sometimes it's all you can do, wait, endure and keep shining knowing that eventually, your light will reach where it is supposed to reach and shine for who it is supposed to shine for. 


It's never easy, but it is always worth it. 


-Tyler Knott Gregson-

And how i miss those time where i can see the stars, just by looking up at the empty sky.

Things change. Time changes. People change. And i can never be as i was, or even what i dream to be anymore. Because of them, dreams too, have to change.

The Hardest choice???

It is said that only 99% of the people in the world truly achieve what they wished for and the rest, sulks and whine and then fails. But, I now know how hard it is to achieve one’s dream. Not because the lack of trying, nor the skills or effort required to do so but the condition and responsibility the society or life itself have imposed upon us, unknowingly even. 

I know not why I don’t find the feel to blog when I’m back ‘home’. Maybe it’s the ample of time I have to chat with my friends around here having me not need to result to my solitary blog to whine about my life and such. But here I am, again. Why? Simple. It seems this time around I couldn’t find anyone to talk to about the troubles I’m having lately. Also, maybe I’m too busy running on the rat race of never ending track. 

Yes, it’s more whines and emoness. So, don’t read, if you want to complain, because this is only where I can complain without being judge upon and I am going to share something really private this time around. 

Life, have taken an ugly turn on my life. No, I don't mean my job for I don't even have the heart to actually pay attention to what I do there anymore now. Maybe people and strangers envy me when they get to know, for whatever reasons. I have always stay strong, composed and as joyful as I can in front of people, not because I can, but because I don’t see anything in the world that cannot be solved nor is there anything to be really mad or upset about in this world. And it proved me wrong. 

A lil background knowledge maybe… I’ve never really had a particularly ‘fun childhood’ thought I still always consider myself fortunate. My parents or my mom in particular was the typical traditional Chinese parent that is strict, result-driven and to some extreme fun-hating. It drove me mad when I was a kid, but there was little I could do. I was rebellious, and the thought of running away from home crossed my mind more times than I could count. But then I was all talk. Maybe I was a little more of a coward or to put it in my favour, I’m someone who keeps my emotion inside, very very well. In a way, it helped me. I was more mature than my counterparts, thinking being independent all the time, making my own money hoping I could one day be on my own. 

That, did not work out very well. Not at all. As time pass, I’m still poor and dependent on them, sigh, and how I regret no more effort is put upon it now. I have always wondered how my dad and mom got together in the first place, having completely different personalities. When I was younger, I always thought they were pulling the ‘good cop bad cop’ trick on me. But the older I grow, the more I realised the seeded differences and their quarrels and arguments were … real. I thought whatever difference they have, they have ‘endured’ for that long and would eventually bury it with them. But no, a simple matter of different taste of opinion tipped the scale and thing poured out like a dormant volcano first erupting after its many years of silence. The damage, catastrophically. And every day, I am home listening them throwing arguments around, sometimes not talking to each other at all. What made it worse, was they were using me to pass words like a delivery owl or to be a ‘witness’ or ‘jury’ to what the other party have done. The truth is, there were no truth in those arguments there, things have escalated to the point that nothing I say, or do, would change a thing. I guess they really brought thing a little too far this time, and its…irreversible. 

I pretty much hate my life or living itself right now. I don't wish to be home, between their arguments and having me choose sides or watch them suffer. It pains me to the core, yet they don't realise it that their argument have more ‘side effect’ than they knew. I was hurt the most of it. I can’t concentrate at work either, have neither peaceful sleeps nor time to myself to cool things down and these days, I feel like nothing but a walking zombie haunting this earth. Yes, I still appear happy and as usual, but inside, I’m dying. I guess I just don’t want anyone to know about me having such a bad family background but I really don't give a damn anymore. Now, they are moving their separate ways soon, and will be living apart. I know the time will come when I have to choose who to stay with. Every time this thought emerges in my mind, I just wish it was a bad dream and I would wake up. But reality caught up and now this is as hard a decision as life could throw at you. 

I think I’m blabbering this blog of mine away. Despite my skillfullness in keeping emotions within, it feels like this time im gonna explode in one blow and I really don't know what will I do at that time. Really wished I have someone to talk to, that understands me, that actually cares about my life now. The End.

Going 'Home'

"You won’t truly love until you’ve lost. "

This term brings a far greater meaning to me now. Looking at the things and stuff I’ve got to pack before leaving the country down under, only do I realised that how much I’ve called this – my home. Although it had just been a mere 3 years more, it felt like I’ve been here for ages and there are so many joyful memories left to cherish. Oh, there is so much I love here and leaving it all behind is killing me inside. It is true that I vowed to be back, but the future is unpredictable and who knows what challenges and troubles lies in the road ahead? But my departure is inevitable so I can only store every memory in my heart. Home is where your heart is, no?

and i am bringing my home with me...

They say that if you follow the path and do it right, you’ll reach where you want to go. Sadly, I’ve learned the hard way how flawed and deceptive that simple statement is. In life, there’s not a single path there will guarantee you destination, not a single way that will guarantee you success. I have struggled to perform, to shine and to stand out from the crowd and yet it does not lead me to where I want to go. 

Maybe it was all along a mistake. 

Just like in Taxes Holdem, I should have folded when my odd weren’t that great. 

Instead, I followed to the River merely with a gut shot straight. 

And when it doesn’t come, I’ve lost and paid. 

Sometimes, I just like to see the people passing by, living their everyday life. I wonder what I lacked to actually get a job here. Is it that I’m just not good enough, academically? Or my presentation shows nothing of me? My cover letters that badly written? Or I just don't have the flair that captures them? What could I have possibly done wrong!?

What I’ve done so far, I’ve done my best and yet, it seems it is not enough. I really do wonder what those people have that I do not. I don’t believe in luck or fate but those are the stuff that can ease my pain right now. I can’t help but wonder that I’ve done everything just right and even better, but maybe that is what’s wrong with me. Perhaps, in life, one have to step out of line to get things done. In the movies, it is the badass characters that breaks the law that people like and get the ladies right? Maybe life in actual is just like that. Maybe is time for me to break some rules and be a renegade, for once. Because I believe, I no longer have anything to lose.  

I may seem like I’ve given up but trust me, I have not. There’s a fine line between despair and knowing you’ve lost and accepting it. I will be back again, better, stronger, and bolder.

I am sad, disappointed and a bit frustrated, but …

I am not beaten.

Not yet. 

The Verdict

“It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.”

Some said that what or who we are now are but the aggregation of our past choices up till now. But when face with decisions; we are psychologically inclined to choose a path that promises better future rather that a path we truly want. You may say that a better future IS what we want but can you really believe it is true? What if some or many of those choices are wrong to begin with?

In this life of mine, I had always chosen a harder path. Not the most difficult, but never the easiest. But just like anyone else, I never doubt my journey until I’ve reached a dead end, and started wondering which turning got me here. It is even more difficult to understand the motivation behind each turn I’ve made. Whether it is an influenced, misinformed, selfish or truly my decision, I couldn’t have told.

Back in high school, I’ve always known I wanted a career into finance or business industry and yet I end up in the science stream. Back in University, I’ve scored well in accounting subjects and known it will promise me easy study life, job and migration but yet I enrolled into economics and finance. In my further studies, I knew very well that actuarial is a difficult and highly technical subject that may not promise such good rewards yet I’ve enrolled again. And here I am with major decisions one after another, ending up well away from where I’ve expected or planned. Is this who I am then?

I am not regretting any of my past choices but I do question it’s motivation and outcome. The reason being me, facing another major decision now and I would definitely not want to end up in the same spot again. Now, having the ability to choose, knowing what I want to choose but yet knowing also it is a foolish choice. Being rational and logical as I always was, I knew I have to choose to leave, because that is the choice that will benefit me and people around me the most, although, it is not a choice I really want to make. Again, is this choice a reflection of who I am? Does it show that I am weak and undetermined, giving up so easily.

Time is running out. The coin tossed in the air will inevitably fall as the forces of gravity pulls it’s invisible strings. And then, the verdict begins.

=p

As the Rabbit hops away...

I could only sigh as 2011 hops away from me. If you were to ask me how did it go, i would think that this quote best describes it.

“There’s an old joke. Um… two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of ‘em says, ’Boy, the food at this place is really terrible.’ The other one says, ‘Yeah, I know; and such small portions.’ Well, that’s essentially how I feel about life – full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness, and it’s all over much too quickly.” - Alvy Singer -

I know its pessimistic and sadistic, but that is exactly how my year felt like. I realized that in this world, people would push you around. Chances, opportunities, are taken, not given. I guess i have willed it before, or that i have said it a million times, that i shall be stronger, colder and not pushed around only to fail almost every time, again. I always asked myself what i lacked? The will, or the courage, or the reason to stand up against an external force, rather than absorbing it or rather tai-chi-ing it around.

As for 2012, i wish only for inner strength.I will keep hope, look forward, move on, and never regret! For once, a wise said to others: "You must never give in to despair. Allow yourself to slip down that road, and surrender to your lowest instincts. In the darkest times, hope is something you give yourself. That is the meaning of inner strength."

To add a lil humor to this gloomy, emo post, this is a song or chat is something i shall recite for the years to come! Enjoy. =p

Inner strength

As I am looking back at my life, it is one that is full of irony, contradiction, but so far a fulfilling one. People might think that I am a believer of destiny and fate, as my blog name suggest, but those close to me knows better, I am the exact opposite.

I believe I had a rather mature mindset since I was really young. I have realistic dreams, passion, drive, motivation and discipline people my age never really care for. It kind of also explains my social awkwardness and inability to fit-in as I do not find that same kind of interest in people, as I still do now. From that loneliness, I learned to be financially savvy, strong and independent, requiring no support from others and even minimal from my parents. Yet life has a way of surprising you. Weird as I am in many ways, I am blessed to have many true and good friends around that really did not mind my little eccentricities. It shed a little light on how fun it could be with a group of really cool friends.

I also thought that I have everything planned out. I don’t believe in destiny, but rather everyone shape their own future. Every little effort, every small decision will forever change the course of our future and so determine the now. I always believed if you try hard enough, sacrifice enough, pay a price hefty enough, the impossible will become possible.

However, as I grow up, the once perfect dreams started to show its weakness. Things never were how they planned out to be, but that did not bother me. What bothers me is how little control we had over what decides our future sometimes. Even if you pay the price, the impossible still lays hanging in the hands of others, not yours. And that, annoys me. Just as I am right now, waiting for a job interview result and nothing I could do about it. Because this is not a contest of effort but compatibility.

Just as I enjoy the ironies in life, I guess life do enjoy playing irony on me too. I once learned independence and find joy in living alone, without much social obligations. But life ‘blessed’ me with good friends and happy times that I’ll never forget the rest of my life. And then leave me here alone again, pondering, remembering those happy times as only a memory now. In studies, I worked hard, I worked smart and I achieved above average results for my effort. Life shower me with compliments, appraisals, and expectations I did not ask for and yet test me with such difficult situation of even on moving on and getting a job, and yet, many others have moved on. Life like to give you hope as you are down and continue giving it until you finally embrace it and looking forward to the light at the end of tunnel of misery. And the life takes hope away from you and seal you back into that tunnel of complete darkness. How many more such pranks I can take in my life long journey I wonder.



Twisted as life maybe, and down as I am now, I believe one should never lose hope. Hope not given by others, but one that is genuinely burning inside you. In the darkest of time, hope is something you give yourself, and that is the true meaning of inner strength. And all I need is some inner strength to fight this war. Perhaps, we are all standing in the crossroads of destiny. There are pathways that we can choose in the crossroads and yet each has their destiny in place not within our power to control. That is how I see life as it is. Crossroads and crossroads of destiny weaved into a net of life. And one have to hold inner strength to make it through.



Yet, and this point of the road, how I wish that I could let go of all my strength, and to relive one of those memories that I so treasure. Oh! How much I am willing to give for those moments again. =S