Selfish...

Is selfish really bad sometimes???

Story of my life right now. Almost.

Let the... Skyfall !

It's hard fighting a losing battle. Harder yet if you know it will never end.

Sometimes, we'd all laugh out loud when we spot a cheesy film plot development. Too often it is that the main villain turn out to be a father/mother/lover/close one of our most beloved protagonist. We'll then watch un-excitedly how our hero struggle in agony to choose between justice and morality. But what do you know, these shit do happen and you will never comprehend the agony until you've been in one of these internal struggle that will crumble the very foundation of your beliefs.

Seriously, what'd you do when you are stuck between family values and righteousness? It'd be easy to brag and justify choosing to do what's right but when you are really up to the moment of action, can you say you will not waver? No matter what, your family had done so much for you; they've born you, fed you, nurture you and educate you. Even the very opportunity of learning to distinguish between right from wrong were given to you by them. But then again, can you stand to see such wrong and selfish act being carried out by the ones you love albeit every inch of your consciousness screams for justice?

Normally, faced with such situation, i would always find a way to stall and squeeze myself away in such situations. But not anymore. This time its too big and too serious to ignore. I guess i've been such a coward all along, running away from my problems and thinking it was witty to avoid them. Life's not all butterfly and roses. This time i learn the hard way that one must learn to man up and make sacrifices in order to live through it. I guess i didn't realize i've been living in my own cocoon of imaginary heaven, until the sky, starts falling on me...

So let the skyfall...

When it crumbles...

Will I stand tall?

And face it all?

Or i'll just... fall?

And give it up, all ...

23 Things i should STOP doing to myself!

Birthdays… I never had a thing for it. To the person experiencing it, it is a subtle reminder another year have passed since your last… reminder. Not so subtle if you have a bunch of lively friends shouting it into your ears. If you are someone who treasures your own time, then everyday should’ve been equally important, not just the one that marks the anniversary of your birth. Being expelled your of your mother’s womb is hardly an achievement, and all the credits should actually go to your mom. Despite all that, it does still serve a purpose, which is that in a way it remind us who is still left in your life at you current age mark. People make an effort show you they care about your birthday because they’d still want to be part of your life, at the very least, for the year to come. Of course, at good times, these well wishes may only be lobbyist trying to maintain a beneficial relationship to extract any possible current of future gains out of you! But then again, come to think of it, if you don't even have “friends” trying to lobby you, what does it say about you???

As for me, it will be soon mark a 24 anniversary of my birth. It is hard not to reminiscent the past at times like this, about the good and better times. Just a couple of birthdays ago, I could recall how merry it was and how much I’ve enjoyed it. But since then, it only got quieter, and I’ve kind of preferred it that way too. Maybe it’s the age catching up, not just of myself but people around me as well, that we are too old for these, we all are. Heh. But more importantly, I realized it is the fact that the so called list of “close ones” I hold dear to me dwindles rapidly, year by year and I have hardly anyone worth the trouble to celebrate with anymore. So, this year, I’d greatly enjoy a very quiet one; one that would not differ from an ordinary day.

As Maria Robinson would put it - “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”

So below is the list of 23 most important things that I should STOP, doing to myself, as my resolution for the my 24^th year!

1. Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.  If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you.  You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot.  Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth.  And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.

2. Stop running from your problems. – Face them head on.  No, it won’t be easy.  There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them.  We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems.  That’s not how we’re made.  In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall.  Because that’s the whole purpose of living – to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time.  This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become.

3. Stop lying to yourself. – You can lie to anyone else in the world, but you can’t lie to yourself.  Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves.  Read The Road Less Traveled.

4. Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too.  Yes, help others; but help yourself too.  If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.

5. Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you like everyone else.  Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you.  Don’t change so people will like you.  Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.

6. Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.

7. Stop being scared to make a mistake. – Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing.  Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success.  You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.

8. Stop trying to buy happiness. – Many of the things we desire are expensive.  But the truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally free – love, laughter and working on our passions.

9. Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. – If you’re not happy with who you are on the inside, you won’t be happy in a long-term relationship with anyone else either.  You have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else.  Read Stumbling on Happiness.

10. Stop being idle. – Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem that wasn’t even there in the first place.  Evaluate situations and take decisive action.  You cannot change what you refuse to confront.  Making progress involves risk.  Period!  You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first.

11. Stop thinking you’re not ready. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises.  Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first.

12. Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. – Life’s curveballs are thrown for a reason – to shift your path in a direction that is meant for you.  You may not see or understand everything the moment it happens, and it may be tough.  But reflect back on those negative curveballs thrown at you in the past.  You’ll often see that eventually they led you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation.  So smile!  Let everyone know that today you are a lot stronger than you were yesterday, and you will be.

13. Stop holding grudges. – Don’t live your life with hate in your heart.  You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate.  Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.”  It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.”  Forgiveness is the answer… let go, find peace, liberate yourself!  And remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too.  If you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time.

14. Stop letting others bring you down to their level. – Refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.

15. Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. – Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it anyway.  Just do what you know in your heart is right.

16. Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. – Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things.  The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.

17. Stop trying to make things perfect. – The real world doesn’t reward perfectionists, it rewards people who get things done.  Read Getting Things Done.

Stop following the path of least resistance. – Life is not easy, especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile.  Don’t take the easy way out.  Do something extraordinary.

18. Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – It’s okay to fall apart for a little while.  You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well.  You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears.  The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.

19. Stop blaming others for your troubles. – The extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life.  When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you give others power over that part of your life.

20. Stop trying to be everything to everyone. – Doing so is impossible, and trying will only burn you out.  But making one person smile CAN change the world.  Maybe not the whole world, but their world.  So narrow your focus.

21. Stop worrying so much. – Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy.  One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: “Will this matter in one year’s time?  Three years?  Five years?”  If not, then it’s not worth worrying about.

22. Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – Focus on what you do want to happen.  Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story.  If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.

23. Stop being ungrateful. – No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life.  Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs.  Instead of thinking about what you’re missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.

Source: www.marcandangel.com

The truth is...

Smile

I often find it hard to express myself here on my blog, which is the main reason I rarely do it anymore. It is not that I have nothing to say, but in fact, too much to begin with. Perhaps what the blog lacks is a sense of anonymity, for I hate to show my inner, softer, but darker side to the world. Yes, I do not care how to world view me, much like the currently heated debate of Alvin Tan and his sexploits, I just want a mean to express myself without too much judgement. Don’t read if you don’t want to.

I’ve been through a lot lately, watching a failed marriage right in the middle of it. I may say I’m ok, but this experience scarred me much more than I’d like to admit. For one, seeing years of relationship ties turn hateful and dissolving into thin air brought away what little faith I have in human relationship. I am one of those people who treasures friendship above all else. Maybe it is because I could not find this feeling of trust and believe at home, I believe solely in one person – myself. But friends, gave me that sense of happiness, belonging and that glimmer of confidence that I can share my vulnerabilities with others where I can’t, in my so called ‘home’. But this divorce has shaken me up that I could now seek solace and comfort within the void of my own heart. Secondly, it is beyond my vocabulary to even attempt to describe that feeling, watching those so close to you and those that you believe you can trust with your life turn so selfish and materialistic. One moment, when you are on her side, she’d make you feel like you’re on cloud 9, with cooling breeze to sweet wine. The moment you stay neutral, the cloud would turn into potted flame and everything is yours to blame. I believe only those who’ve been through it would truly feel how helpless and disgusted to be in that position. 

And even after the great divide, things have barely improved. I’m tired both physically and mentally especially with my own troubles with work, career and life’s whatnots knocking up my door. I truly understand how hard it is to find someone you can trust, you can believe, you can love. And even more difficult to find one with a reciprocal feeling. I’ve loved and lost and I don’t think I can ever fully trust again. Even letting go is killing me from the inside. With all these emotions and anguish trapped in my mind, all I can do now is… smile =)

And keep smiling… =D

Because I don’t know how long more I could last, before tears would start to fall. . . . .

Going 'Home'

"You won’t truly love until you’ve lost. "

This term brings a far greater meaning to me now. Looking at the things and stuff I’ve got to pack before leaving the country down under, only do I realised that how much I’ve called this – my home. Although it had just been a mere 3 years more, it felt like I’ve been here for ages and there are so many joyful memories left to cherish. Oh, there is so much I love here and leaving it all behind is killing me inside. It is true that I vowed to be back, but the future is unpredictable and who knows what challenges and troubles lies in the road ahead? But my departure is inevitable so I can only store every memory in my heart. Home is where your heart is, no?

and i am bringing my home with me...

They say that if you follow the path and do it right, you’ll reach where you want to go. Sadly, I’ve learned the hard way how flawed and deceptive that simple statement is. In life, there’s not a single path there will guarantee you destination, not a single way that will guarantee you success. I have struggled to perform, to shine and to stand out from the crowd and yet it does not lead me to where I want to go. 

Maybe it was all along a mistake. 

Just like in Taxes Holdem, I should have folded when my odd weren’t that great. 

Instead, I followed to the River merely with a gut shot straight. 

And when it doesn’t come, I’ve lost and paid. 

Sometimes, I just like to see the people passing by, living their everyday life. I wonder what I lacked to actually get a job here. Is it that I’m just not good enough, academically? Or my presentation shows nothing of me? My cover letters that badly written? Or I just don't have the flair that captures them? What could I have possibly done wrong!?

What I’ve done so far, I’ve done my best and yet, it seems it is not enough. I really do wonder what those people have that I do not. I don’t believe in luck or fate but those are the stuff that can ease my pain right now. I can’t help but wonder that I’ve done everything just right and even better, but maybe that is what’s wrong with me. Perhaps, in life, one have to step out of line to get things done. In the movies, it is the badass characters that breaks the law that people like and get the ladies right? Maybe life in actual is just like that. Maybe is time for me to break some rules and be a renegade, for once. Because I believe, I no longer have anything to lose.  

I may seem like I’ve given up but trust me, I have not. There’s a fine line between despair and knowing you’ve lost and accepting it. I will be back again, better, stronger, and bolder.

I am sad, disappointed and a bit frustrated, but …

I am not beaten.

Not yet. 

A Career Passion

How far is this statement true?

A short video I found rather interesting.

http://www.ted.com/talks/larry_smith_why_you_will_fail_to_have_a_great_career.html?source=facebook#.T119XsbCUzc.facebook

Sorry for the link, can’t seem to post the video on blogspot directly

Anyway, of what he said I would agree on many of its point and disagree on a few. It is true that “interest” is not anywhere nearly comparable to “passion But can one not have more than a single passion? 

But I can’t agree more that the era of “good careers” are over. You are either an underpaid slave or you are in a great career. Though, I would wager much that the majority of the society is stuck in the former. With many personal experiences lately, being highly competent is really an insult to yourself nowadays. Being competent only (which I guess I am) do not even entitle you a chance to be the slave of free market. You have to be willing to work hard and harder for it, and you will be given that much – work that is. 

Being someone who also desires greatly to pursue one’s passion, I fully understand what Larry meant when the majority who does dare to take action are merely hiding behind their limitless excuses. However, in today’s cruel and realistic world, I would say that it is a luxury to have the opportunity to pursue one’s passion. First, not all passion is one that earns you living in this world. You have a passion in art, a talent for it but not the appreciation from the society, can you really survive in this world by that itself? What if you passion is into physics just as Larry mentioned, a material for a noble laureate, but then you family do not have the resources to send you to the right courses or you do not get funding to do the research you are passionate about? Don't get me wrong, I am not trying to bring the issue to its extreme but the fact is that we live in a society that does not treasure this passion.  

Why you may ask? The answer is simple. The society is made up of individuals, those that are stuck in their rut of not able to pursue their passion because of petty reasons and excuses. Therefore, it is logical for them to not appreciate or even look down upon those who come and pursue their true passion. This is the society we live in. Ignore then? If you have the wealth and freedom to ignore the world and pursue what you truly want, that is a luxury. Many of us do not have that luxury.

So if you do, shame on you for not pursuing you passion! 

The Verdict

“It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.”

Some said that what or who we are now are but the aggregation of our past choices up till now. But when face with decisions; we are psychologically inclined to choose a path that promises better future rather that a path we truly want. You may say that a better future IS what we want but can you really believe it is true? What if some or many of those choices are wrong to begin with?

In this life of mine, I had always chosen a harder path. Not the most difficult, but never the easiest. But just like anyone else, I never doubt my journey until I’ve reached a dead end, and started wondering which turning got me here. It is even more difficult to understand the motivation behind each turn I’ve made. Whether it is an influenced, misinformed, selfish or truly my decision, I couldn’t have told.

Back in high school, I’ve always known I wanted a career into finance or business industry and yet I end up in the science stream. Back in University, I’ve scored well in accounting subjects and known it will promise me easy study life, job and migration but yet I enrolled into economics and finance. In my further studies, I knew very well that actuarial is a difficult and highly technical subject that may not promise such good rewards yet I’ve enrolled again. And here I am with major decisions one after another, ending up well away from where I’ve expected or planned. Is this who I am then?

I am not regretting any of my past choices but I do question it’s motivation and outcome. The reason being me, facing another major decision now and I would definitely not want to end up in the same spot again. Now, having the ability to choose, knowing what I want to choose but yet knowing also it is a foolish choice. Being rational and logical as I always was, I knew I have to choose to leave, because that is the choice that will benefit me and people around me the most, although, it is not a choice I really want to make. Again, is this choice a reflection of who I am? Does it show that I am weak and undetermined, giving up so easily.

Time is running out. The coin tossed in the air will inevitably fall as the forces of gravity pulls it’s invisible strings. And then, the verdict begins.

=p

The City of Huge Numbers – Jakarta

Well, here am I back in Malaysia, just in time to catch a breath to blog about it finally. In this city of massive population (almost that of whole Malaysia) where most of them are millionaires (in rupees of course), things are more congested and chaotic than I would have imagined. A steep contrast to the slumber land I came back from.

To be honest, I didn’t like the place one bit. Perhaps I was biased and judgemental as I didn’t really had a fair view of the city, 80% of my trip was business and conference anyway. Besides a shopping mall or 2, I didn’t manage to go to any tourist location spots, which is a shame. Despite its short comings, I had a few insights from this hectic experience.

First, I learned that Jakarta is such and inefficient city and that I have a very low tolerance for inefficiency. The traffic jam there is godly. If you think KL jam is terrible, you are just seeing the tip of an iceberg there. A 15 mins journey can easily turn into a 2 hours stuck in a van. Imagine wasting 4 hours of your life daily going to and from work. Having more than 2 business appointments in a day is impossible there. In my short 7 days trip, I can safely say that I have spent no less than pure 24 hours in a vehicle. Ouch to that!

Second, if you can drive across the busy streets in Jakarta, you can drive ALMOST anywhere in the world. Nuff said.

Third, money is king. Literally, you can live like a king there if you have the money. Things there are cheap, dirt cheap. And so is labour cost as well. It is an ideal place to set up a factory for its low production cost in the SEA region, but don’t put high hopes in quality or its logistics. It’s trade off.

Fourth, people there are really hardworking. I believe in an adverse condition of scarcity and dissatisfactions, people tend to work harder, think harder, and be stronger. They become innovative in means of earning and improvise and adapt to many difficulties. That's why I think that for one to improve and grow, one should always be out of their comfort zone, fighting. Always be hungry! =D

I guess this trip change my perspective in life in a few aspects. I believe, everyone have as much time on their hand as anyone else. The differential key is how you use the time, and how efficient you make it. Time is liken water to a boat, it can make it rise or fall depending on how you control it. It also gives a glimpse of how different in value each person’s life is worth just across a border. Many preach that all life is equal but it is but a distant dream. You can ‘purchase’ a month of a labourer’s life for a mere rm700 there, and it cost rm1700 in Malaysia and rm4800 in Australia. A mix of currency, economical state, and labour supply makes it happen and this is one of the reasons we call this world unfair. Lastly, I see that the value of things lies not in its price or its currency. In Jakarta, everything is in thousands and millions, but it’s in fact cheaper than those in Malaysia.

Sorry, no camera, no pics!

Okay, time to buck up, get a job and enjoy my holiday! Not in that order! =p

Inner strength

As I am looking back at my life, it is one that is full of irony, contradiction, but so far a fulfilling one. People might think that I am a believer of destiny and fate, as my blog name suggest, but those close to me knows better, I am the exact opposite.

I believe I had a rather mature mindset since I was really young. I have realistic dreams, passion, drive, motivation and discipline people my age never really care for. It kind of also explains my social awkwardness and inability to fit-in as I do not find that same kind of interest in people, as I still do now. From that loneliness, I learned to be financially savvy, strong and independent, requiring no support from others and even minimal from my parents. Yet life has a way of surprising you. Weird as I am in many ways, I am blessed to have many true and good friends around that really did not mind my little eccentricities. It shed a little light on how fun it could be with a group of really cool friends.

I also thought that I have everything planned out. I don’t believe in destiny, but rather everyone shape their own future. Every little effort, every small decision will forever change the course of our future and so determine the now. I always believed if you try hard enough, sacrifice enough, pay a price hefty enough, the impossible will become possible.

However, as I grow up, the once perfect dreams started to show its weakness. Things never were how they planned out to be, but that did not bother me. What bothers me is how little control we had over what decides our future sometimes. Even if you pay the price, the impossible still lays hanging in the hands of others, not yours. And that, annoys me. Just as I am right now, waiting for a job interview result and nothing I could do about it. Because this is not a contest of effort but compatibility.

Just as I enjoy the ironies in life, I guess life do enjoy playing irony on me too. I once learned independence and find joy in living alone, without much social obligations. But life ‘blessed’ me with good friends and happy times that I’ll never forget the rest of my life. And then leave me here alone again, pondering, remembering those happy times as only a memory now. In studies, I worked hard, I worked smart and I achieved above average results for my effort. Life shower me with compliments, appraisals, and expectations I did not ask for and yet test me with such difficult situation of even on moving on and getting a job, and yet, many others have moved on. Life like to give you hope as you are down and continue giving it until you finally embrace it and looking forward to the light at the end of tunnel of misery. And the life takes hope away from you and seal you back into that tunnel of complete darkness. How many more such pranks I can take in my life long journey I wonder.



Twisted as life maybe, and down as I am now, I believe one should never lose hope. Hope not given by others, but one that is genuinely burning inside you. In the darkest of time, hope is something you give yourself, and that is the true meaning of inner strength. And all I need is some inner strength to fight this war. Perhaps, we are all standing in the crossroads of destiny. There are pathways that we can choose in the crossroads and yet each has their destiny in place not within our power to control. That is how I see life as it is. Crossroads and crossroads of destiny weaved into a net of life. And one have to hold inner strength to make it through.



Yet, and this point of the road, how I wish that I could let go of all my strength, and to relive one of those memories that I so treasure. Oh! How much I am willing to give for those moments again. =S

The Bank Account

Irony is when people complain about a $16/hour wage rate and yet are willing to spend hours of waiting just to get a $10 discount. Irony is when people are willing to go 10 minutes away to save $2 bucks and that adds up to 12 bucks an hour which is below minimum wage. Irony is when someone spent 200 bucks but yet said they saved a lot.

Seriously, money is not all that important. But more often than not, people, and the society view it over-enthusiastically, yet in a very wrong way. Time, by far is a much more valuable commodity sometimes quoted as an equivalence of money, but not treasure as one.

Imagine there is a bank account that credits you account each morning with $86,400. It does not carry forward to the next day. Every evening, the bank deletes whatever part of the balance you failed to use during the day. What would you do? Draw out every cents, of course?

Each of us had such a bank. Its name is time. Every morning, it credits you with 86,400 seconds. Every night it writes it off as lost, whatever you failed to invest to a good purpose. It carries over no balance. It allows no overdraft. Each day, it opens a new account for yo. Each night, it burns the remaining of the day. If you fail to use the day's deposits, the loss is yours.

You must live in the present on today's deposits. Invest it so as to get from it the utmost health, happiness and success. The clock is running. Make the most of today!

I had wrote off too many bad checks, but not anymore, never. If everyone could treat every second like its every dollar, nobody be unproductive or inefficient anymore. And in that sense, everyone is equally wealthy everyday. With this, i have spend 600bucks on this post! Whoever reads this, please appreciate, and PAY UP! =p