17.6.11

The Devastation

I knew she's going to be brutal, and violent. I have braved myself for whatever torture that she could throw at me, gritted my teeth for the utmost painful experience. The she surprise me. She was more deadly and unpredictable than i ever could imagine, liken a dagger slowly piercing your heart, from the back, before you can catch a glimpse, or even a breath of anything around me. The she left. Me unable to speak, or die, the pain, more unbearable than any i have experienced. But, i cannot die now. No, i MUST not die. Not now...

I'm devastated. I really could not believe how difficult the paper was. I expected it, it delivered, perfectly. What i hate more, was not the paper, but myself. If only i could spent a little more time on it, concentrate a little more. But i know very well too, no additional amount of preparation before hand will help, they were creative question, testing not only your understanding, but you brilliance is decoding it, and creating a whole new concept. I could never had prepared for that and it also proved, my brilliance, if there ever is some, were over-rated.

When i walked into the exam hall, my mind was blank, literally. It always is my style in exam, because i know myself very well, when i see the question, the formulas, the theories, all of them will pop up in my mind. They did, but it didn't help, and i panicked, and it was over. I am really hating myself now, making so much mistakes that could be avoided, and it will definitely cost me. I pray, i hope, not too much to make me fail. And there is a good chance of failing this time.

I really wish i could cry out loud, shout at myself, maybe throw a few hits at myself. But there were no tears in my eyes, nor blood in my veins. I feel just empty.

Sitting in front of the computer at home. The i realize there is really no one there i could talk to. Someone that would understand me. I am alone.

And this in the only place i could pour my heart out. So, this is my life, and im not liking it one bit.

8.6.11

Simple Solution

Perfecion, in my perspective, is simplicity. We are often misled into thinking, finer things always come with that hinge of complexity and sophistication. I somehow believe that making complicated thing simple is the essence of perfectionism.

Einstein once said: If you can't explain it simply, you just don't understand it well enough. Enough said?

It our lil stroll of life, we often face problems, one more daunting than before, or so it seems at the moment. A bridge, broken in 2, stand between us and our destination. Every superhero-adventure fantasy would first pop into our mind, from flinging ourselves from one end to the other using tree, building rafts or all sort of solutions to it. But it seems, to me at least, we often never, ever though of what is that that actually stands between us. A bridge could be just for an uneven part of road or even a small stream we can easily just walk over. Isn't it funny that people often over complicate matters and jump into complex solutions before thinking about the actual problem?

A lil story to illustrate.



Isn't this simplicity at its best?

And i believe this applies for all questions, even life as it is a whole question itself. What am i living for? What is it that i am fighting for? What am i waking up every morning for? There is really no need to dig deep to actually answer these questions. One just have to clear his/her mind, and the answer presents itself to you light flourecent in a dark cloudless night. And in our busy life chasing what we believe is our dreams, we may lost track, we may lose bearing, we will get lost. But never, ever, lose yourself.

Step out, take a deep breath, and remind yourself, what are you fighting for?

2.6.11

The infinite loop of time

Exam week! I must first state that my lack of post was not from the fact im lacking in time, which is indeed so, but stem from the fact that I just don’t find the mood to do it. Its not that I have nothing to blog about, on the contrary, I am rather behind to update on the happenings around me but when I finally found time to sit down and write about it, words seems to have evaporated from my fingers…

Despite the heavy work load and the non-academia related pressures this semester, when it come to the exam week, the time table seems pretty cleared up. My first paper is only 2 weeks away, leaving plenty of time, relatively of course as I have not have such a luxury of time to study of such Actuarial papers before. Then again, this time around, camping in the uni feels so much more different than it used to be. I used to find the motivation, the fire that drives me there every single day, maybe partly due to the difficulty of the context. But after just a few days of camping there, I felt as if I’ve lost my soul or purpose of being there. Maybe I have gotten used to the difficulty of the paper that I no longer care so much about, or the fact that I have not get any news from my job applications implying that how well I know my stuff in uni don’t really matter in the working world one bit.

But more so, I really do believe I’m losing it. Staying alone was harder than it would seem I guess. Don’t get me wrong, I liked the quietness, the freedom and the space to do what I need and have a concentrated mind, but despite all that, I do wish to have a sound, a little crowd, a little fun around that I could get into after a long boring day of revision at uni. I really did lost count of the days at some point living everyday exactly the same with the only significant differentiator everyday is the topic im studying and the dinner I get. It really do felt as though im stuck in a vortex of time going through and infinite loop without even a jump event. Maybe it’s the fact that I really do have nothing to look forward to everyday that makes life so hard going through. Even as I am typing this blog, I am recounting my steps for the past week and how mundane it was. I really wish I could pick something extraordinary in each day to talk about it but it was a much more difficult task that was my subjects. And I am guessing tmr’s going to be the same.

Let’s hope there something awesome that will happen tmr and reignite the flame I’ve lost. I so need a new source of motivation to keep me moving, because what I used to want so much have lost most of its meaning to me now. Is this part of growing up? Or am I just becoming weaker?



I’m in such a mess… Take me away, will ya?