As I am looking back at my life, it is one that is full of irony, contradiction, but so far a fulfilling one. People might think that I am a believer of destiny and fate, as my blog name suggest, but those close to me knows better, I am the exact opposite.
I believe I had a rather mature mindset since I was really young. I have realistic dreams, passion, drive, motivation and discipline people my age never really care for. It kind of also explains my social awkwardness and inability to fit-in as I do not find that same kind of interest in people, as I still do now. From that loneliness, I learned to be financially savvy, strong and independent, requiring no support from others and even minimal from my parents. Yet life has a way of surprising you. Weird as I am in many ways, I am blessed to have many true and good friends around that really did not mind my little eccentricities. It shed a little light on how fun it could be with a group of really cool friends.
I also thought that I have everything planned out. I don’t believe in destiny, but rather everyone shape their own future. Every little effort, every small decision will forever change the course of our future and so determine the now. I always believed if you try hard enough, sacrifice enough, pay a price hefty enough, the impossible will become possible.
However, as I grow up, the once perfect dreams started to show its weakness. Things never were how they planned out to be, but that did not bother me. What bothers me is how little control we had over what decides our future sometimes. Even if you pay the price, the impossible still lays hanging in the hands of others, not yours. And that, annoys me. Just as I am right now, waiting for a job interview result and nothing I could do about it. Because this is not a contest of effort but compatibility.
Just as I enjoy the ironies in life, I guess life do enjoy playing irony on me too. I once learned independence and find joy in living alone, without much social obligations. But life ‘blessed’ me with good friends and happy times that I’ll never forget the rest of my life. And then leave me here alone again, pondering, remembering those happy times as only a memory now. In studies, I worked hard, I worked smart and I achieved above average results for my effort. Life shower me with compliments, appraisals, and expectations I did not ask for and yet test me with such difficult situation of even on moving on and getting a job, and yet, many others have moved on. Life like to give you hope as you are down and continue giving it until you finally embrace it and looking forward to the light at the end of tunnel of misery. And the life takes hope away from you and seal you back into that tunnel of complete darkness. How many more such pranks I can take in my life long journey I wonder.
Twisted as life maybe, and down as I am now, I believe one should never lose hope. Hope not given by others, but one that is genuinely burning inside you. In the darkest of time, hope is something you give yourself, and that is the true meaning of inner strength. And all I need is some inner strength to fight this war. Perhaps, we are all standing in the crossroads of destiny. There are pathways that we can choose in the crossroads and yet each has their destiny in place not within our power to control. That is how I see life as it is. Crossroads and crossroads of destiny weaved into a net of life. And one have to hold inner strength to make it through.
Yet, and this point of the road, how I wish that I could let go of all my strength, and to relive one of those memories that I so treasure. Oh! How much I am willing to give for those moments again. =S
