Bounded

I just want to be free, is that all too much to ask? I guess my dream of living life just as I want it is going to remain nothing but a dream. I see so many constraints ahead in my life. I feel like a bird in a cage too small for me to even stretch my wings at length.

I yearn for freedom.

One day, one day, I will take flight, and really, be who I want to be, who I can be.

Secrets...

To someone...



I need another story
Something to get off my chest
My life gets kind of boring
Need something that i can confess

Till all my sleeves are stained red
From all the truth that I've said
Come by it honestly I swear
Thought you saw me wink, no, I've been on the brink, so

Tell me what you want to hear
Something that were like those years
I'm sick of all the insincere
So I'm gonna give all my secrets away
This time
Don't need another perfect lie
Don't care if critics ever jump in line
I'm Gonna give all my secrets away

My God, amazing how we got this far
It's like were chasing all those stars
Who's driving shiny big black cars

And everyday I see the news
All the problems we could solve
And when a situation rises
Just write it into an album
Singing straight to cold?
I don't really like my flow, no, so

Got no reason
Got no shame
Got no family
I can blame
Just don't let me disappear
I'ma tell you everything

[CHORUS x2]

All my secrets away (x2)

I wish it was all that easy, to write out all my secrets like it was a diary, knowing no one would know, but only you. =p

To build a time machine...

Sometimes, i wonder.

After all the trouble, giving up all those stuff, and in the end, what do i get? In the end, is it all worthwhile?

Remote island or island remoted?

Men in general judge more by the sense of sight than by the sense of touch, because everyone can see but only a few can test by feeling. Everyone sees what you seem to be, few know what you really are; and those few do not dare take a stand against the general opinion.
Niccolo Machiavelli – The Prince

I must admit that I was a little disappointed last week. As my IELTS classes are starting this week, I would be pretty busy studying and finishing up my to-do list and so I thought I should go out with friends while I still could. But I guess everyone’s busy with their own stuff, and I do feel a bit left out. It's not that I didn’t expect it when I first came back, but actually feeling it is another matter. Maybe it’s just me, still living in my own chilling world, but everyone seems to have moved on, working.

And so I am confused. When I were still in university/ college, I thought I was way too mature to be thinking about investment, or working, saving up money and preparing oneself for their dreams. I was told to have fun. And have fun I did. Now that I came back and try to have fun, everyone seems to be in the trance state I was a couple of years ago, not that I am no longer in one, but probably in a lesser extent. So, is it me…??? Or Bazinga! I'm sucker-punched? (Sry, recently addicted to Bing Bang theory, it's sooo good!=)

I guess i am just weird. Those outlier in an evenly distributed graph or speck lying outside the galactic rim, lost and strange. Maybe there's a little Asperism in me after all, huh?

No matter, whether i am moving away from the crowd or if the crowd is moving away from me, i will continue to be who i am. If this is how it will go, if this is what it takes so be it!

To do List !

I just realized I’m in such a situation. Allow me to demonstrate it, graphically…



I have been feeling exceptionally free last week and this weekend as well since there is nobody to meet up or much to do. So I begin listing stuff I should do before I head back and before I realize it, I’m running out of time. Just a to-do list to remind me before I go back to Sydney;

1 – Registering for IELTS classes and examinations and when these start, I will have daily classes. Man, didn’t expect class to start this early.

2 - Police Clearance. So much to prepare for it like passport photos and statutory declaration and I have to go all the way to Putrajaya!

3 – Shopping. There was a list of things I need to refill for my Aussie supply. Time to find that list and tick it off!

4 – One more subject am pending approval from my university to enroll in. Seriously, they need approval from so many department for me just to enroll in a subject that supposedly beyond my scope. Seriously, isn’t that my problem and shouldn’t you let me worry about it? Tsk..

5 – Renew my driver’s license due to expire soon. xD

6 – Need to reformat my computer. Its been buggy since I got there and wanna make sure it’s all smooth before I bring it on a bumpy journey of programming again =D

7 – Doing my research for the HOPE fund !

Doesn’t seems like it’s a lot right. But I have only a month or so to do it, considering Chinese New year in the Middle and a week to pack my stuff back to Aussie land. I guess this will keep me very busy like those around me ^^”

Numb...

Who really knows the person behind the fake smiles of a clown?

I sometimes wonder if there is some real greatness born into me? Cause everyone seems have such high expectations of me that I myself doubt I have in me.

Just the other day, my dad was lecturing on what great things he expects me to achieve starting with his own. He was a great salesman, an extraordinary one in his time. In his heights, he did so well that it jeopardized his sales team with he own sales volume that his boss had to fired him, much similar to the fate of mortgage legend of Lewis Ranieri with his days in Salomon Brothers, though much smaller in scale. What he expects of me, however, is twice as good as his heights. Ouch…!

Even friends thinking highly of me, and expects me to be something/one great in the future. Don’t get me wrong, I am deeply honored but it also places a social pressure on me. Although I personally don’t give a damn about what other people thinks, I do treasure my friends greatly and hold their view with much importance. Sometimes, I try not to care but I do. As such, I try not to screw up as much as I could.

Yes, I am a great dreamer but I am not greedy. I do too want to achieve great things much to people expectations. But I don’t like the pressure forcefully bestowed upon me. I like to walk my own path, and chase my dreams, achieve them … in my own way. With much hopes from others, I tend to take less risk I normally would and can in my own manner. Yes, maybe by risking it all, I will fail badly in life, but it would not matter then if you didn’t expect anything of me, no? I just don’t want to walk a path because everyone thinks I should, yet under the illuminating light of my close ones, it seems like it’s the only right path to go.

I wanna chase my dreams, but not with the price of fun or youth. I wanna do it, my way. So can you please let me go?

Now, this song describes me more accurately than any other. I really do feel…Numb.

Resolutions

Day 1 for 2011.

I didn't celebrate the countdown for 2011 to much people's surprise, except those who already knew me well enough. I don't understand why! What is the big fuss about being a brand new year if you can't even treasure every brand new day?

Well, i guess it's a social obligation to celebrate and that makes me, socially inept?

Moving on the resolutions. Every year, we made them and break them and again and again. I guess the whole purpose of making them seems more of a routine than a motivational magnet to propel us forward nowadays. Rather than list of stuff that i promise myself to achieve this year, i will in fact make just one resolution, which is...



Simple as that. Do we actually need to be anything else?

On a more focused page, i really would like to concentrate more on my social skills. I do know it's one of my greatest weakness, but hey doesn't that make me who i am? Doesn't changing it makes me being a 'fake' person. Must i really say and pretend to be interested in some conversation even though it is boring as hell just to be fit in? I don't know. Fitting in just isn't my thing i guess, some people are born with it and some people (like me) just have to learn to suck it all out.

I really don't know if it's my personality that i am born with or its a childhood brought up thing but my sis and dad sure don't have any problems. I just don't like to be in large crowd of people i hardly know or in crowded places for that matter. And i'm also not the type who would go to you in the first day of school and say "Hi, my name is Arthur, we should be friends!" I am also not the kinda of person who would easily struck up conversation, much less interesting ones. Even with close friends, i usually prefer listening than talking. Tell me what does that make me ??

Before, it doesn't pose itself to me as something of major concern. I am fine very much being alone doing my stuff. Furthermore, i think i am lucky enough to get to know really good friends along the way that are enough (more than enough shall i say) to keep me occupied. How i met them and being part of that social circle is still very much a mystery to me! But now, it seems that it is the cavalry of my war - Essential for my victory. Calling a foreign land home is cool as it sound but people never see the difficulties, well for someone like me. Without the support of family, i think getting a few good friend there is of importance especially in times of trouble and to make the journey more fun. And with my social prowess, i had a hard time and will still have them if effort is not made. Another major concern will be job hunting. It is to my understanding that employers do not prefer socially inept people especially when they have so much highly talented well rounders to choose from. Enough said right?

Life is easy when we live in mediocre. But what i wanna do is...



So, life is hard, but who cares! I'd rather be hard than to be dead. =D