Going 'Home'

"You won’t truly love until you’ve lost. "

This term brings a far greater meaning to me now. Looking at the things and stuff I’ve got to pack before leaving the country down under, only do I realised that how much I’ve called this – my home. Although it had just been a mere 3 years more, it felt like I’ve been here for ages and there are so many joyful memories left to cherish. Oh, there is so much I love here and leaving it all behind is killing me inside. It is true that I vowed to be back, but the future is unpredictable and who knows what challenges and troubles lies in the road ahead? But my departure is inevitable so I can only store every memory in my heart. Home is where your heart is, no?

and i am bringing my home with me...

They say that if you follow the path and do it right, you’ll reach where you want to go. Sadly, I’ve learned the hard way how flawed and deceptive that simple statement is. In life, there’s not a single path there will guarantee you destination, not a single way that will guarantee you success. I have struggled to perform, to shine and to stand out from the crowd and yet it does not lead me to where I want to go. 

Maybe it was all along a mistake. 

Just like in Taxes Holdem, I should have folded when my odd weren’t that great. 

Instead, I followed to the River merely with a gut shot straight. 

And when it doesn’t come, I’ve lost and paid. 

Sometimes, I just like to see the people passing by, living their everyday life. I wonder what I lacked to actually get a job here. Is it that I’m just not good enough, academically? Or my presentation shows nothing of me? My cover letters that badly written? Or I just don't have the flair that captures them? What could I have possibly done wrong!?

What I’ve done so far, I’ve done my best and yet, it seems it is not enough. I really do wonder what those people have that I do not. I don’t believe in luck or fate but those are the stuff that can ease my pain right now. I can’t help but wonder that I’ve done everything just right and even better, but maybe that is what’s wrong with me. Perhaps, in life, one have to step out of line to get things done. In the movies, it is the badass characters that breaks the law that people like and get the ladies right? Maybe life in actual is just like that. Maybe is time for me to break some rules and be a renegade, for once. Because I believe, I no longer have anything to lose.  

I may seem like I’ve given up but trust me, I have not. There’s a fine line between despair and knowing you’ve lost and accepting it. I will be back again, better, stronger, and bolder.

I am sad, disappointed and a bit frustrated, but …

I am not beaten.

Not yet.