It is said that only 99% of the people in the world truly
achieve what they wished for and the rest, sulks and whine and then fails. But,
I now know how hard it is to achieve one’s dream. Not because the lack of
trying, nor the skills or effort required to do so but the condition and
responsibility the society or life itself have imposed upon us, unknowingly
even.
I know not why I don’t find the feel to blog when I’m back ‘home’.
Maybe it’s the ample of time I have to chat with my friends around here having
me not need to result to my solitary blog to whine about my life and such. But
here I am, again. Why? Simple. It seems this time around I couldn’t find anyone
to talk to about the troubles I’m having lately. Also, maybe I’m too busy
running on the rat race of never ending track.
Yes, it’s more whines and emoness. So, don’t read, if you
want to complain, because this is only where I can complain without being judge
upon and I am going to share something really private this time around.
Life, have taken an ugly turn on my life. No, I don't mean
my job for I don't even have the heart to actually pay attention to what I do
there anymore now. Maybe people and strangers envy me when they get to know,
for whatever reasons. I have always stay strong, composed and as joyful as I can
in front of people, not because I can, but because I don’t see anything in the
world that cannot be solved nor is there anything to be really mad or upset
about in this world. And it proved me wrong.
A lil background knowledge maybe… I’ve never really had a
particularly ‘fun childhood’ thought I still always consider myself fortunate.
My parents or my mom in particular was the typical traditional Chinese parent that
is strict, result-driven and to some extreme fun-hating. It drove me mad when I
was a kid, but there was little I could do. I was rebellious, and the thought
of running away from home crossed my mind more times than I could count. But
then I was all talk. Maybe I was a little more of a coward or to put it in my favour,
I’m someone who keeps my emotion inside, very very well. In a way, it helped
me. I was more mature than my counterparts, thinking being independent all the
time, making my own money hoping I could one day be on my own.
That, did not work out very well. Not at all. As time pass, I’m
still poor and dependent on them, sigh, and how I regret no more effort is put
upon it now. I have always wondered how my dad and mom got together in the
first place, having completely different personalities. When I was younger, I always
thought they were pulling the ‘good cop bad cop’ trick on me. But the older I grow,
the more I realised the seeded differences and their quarrels and arguments
were … real. I thought whatever difference they have, they have ‘endured’ for
that long and would eventually bury it with them. But no, a simple matter of
different taste of opinion tipped the scale and thing poured out like a dormant
volcano first erupting after its many years of silence. The damage, catastrophically.
And every day, I am home listening them throwing arguments around, sometimes
not talking to each other at all. What made it worse, was they were using me to pass words like a delivery owl or to be a ‘witness’ or ‘jury’ to what the other
party have done. The truth is, there were no truth in those arguments there,
things have escalated to the point that nothing I say, or do, would change a
thing. I guess they really brought thing a little too far this time, and its…irreversible.
I pretty much hate my life or living itself right now. I don't
wish to be home, between their arguments and having me choose sides or watch
them suffer. It pains me to the core, yet they don't realise it that their
argument have more ‘side effect’ than they knew. I was hurt the most of it. I
can’t concentrate at work either, have neither peaceful sleeps nor time to
myself to cool things down and these days, I feel like nothing but a walking
zombie haunting this earth. Yes, I still appear happy and as usual, but inside,
I’m dying. I guess I just don’t want anyone to know about me having such a bad
family background but I really don't give a damn anymore. Now, they are moving
their separate ways soon, and will be living apart. I know the time will come
when I have to choose who to stay with. Every time this thought emerges in my
mind, I just wish it was a bad dream and I would wake up. But reality caught up
and now this is as hard a decision as life could throw at you.
I think I’m blabbering this blog of mine away. Despite my
skillfullness in keeping emotions within, it feels like this time im gonna
explode in one blow and I really don't know what will I do at that time. Really
wished I have someone to talk to, that understands me, that actually cares
about my life now. The End.
