The Song of Gaixia

As trapped as the Hegemon-King of Western Chu, Xiang Yu, i can only lament what his final song...

力拔山兮气盖世，

时不利兮骓不逝。

骓不逝兮可奈何！

虞兮虞兮奈若何！

My only hope, is that i'd have a different fate...

Only if there's some one who i truly confide to. Enemy at all four directions, in job and in life. Was i wrong? How did i end up in this predicament?

I only wanted to be free... Is that too much to ask for even?

Greedy Gekko

Humans, are extremely adaptive beings. Just think about the fact that we are the product of evolution from centuries ago and you’d understand that how strong we are, and how strong we can become. But evolution is a deceptively dangerous process. Cause once adapted, it is close to impossible to un-adept.

Hence, choose what you want to adapt to carefully. 

The modern workforce of slavery is one such result of evolution. At first, people have dreams, passion and strong desires. But yet, for whatever reasons, the mundane workplace is where most if not all of us will have to get stuck in. Like a kid stepping into a shopping mall, we got into the ‘adult’ world just as excited and enthusiastic, believing that we are moving one step closer to our dreams. 

But this one step may be the very last for most people as they slowly get complacent to their workplace. In a sense, however uncomfortable and un-challenging the workplace can be, they adept to it, ‘evolving’ into beings of workers. Their dreams and passions that once fuel them have turned into cold hard ashes than encase their mind from the outside world.

Me being one of these potential work-zombies are typing this as a message, a reminder, for myself and everyone out there. Wake up now, or you’ll be dead before you know it!

 I’m saying this because I’ve been so caught up in work myself that I didn't realise months had just passed by. Besides the many more miseries life throws at me with my family issues, I have done nothing for my personal growth. For the first time I found myself comfortable in the workplace, and this scares me. I used to have such big dreams and burning passion but now, I’d just tell myself to work and forget about the rest. Yes, life will be so much easier then, but will it be better? 

I think I’ll need to go, shop, spend, and indulge in the utmost luxuries of life for that was once my source of motivation, to pursue a lifestyle beyond my current means. Maybe then will I start remembering, who I really was, and more importantly, who I want to be.

Recalling one of my favorite quotes: "Greed, for a lack of better word, is good. Greed is right. Greed works. Greed clarifies, cuts through, and capture the essences of the evolutionary spirit. Greed, in all its forms; greed for life, for money, for love, knowledge, has marked the upward surge of mankind."

 

Time to be greedy!!!

Selfish...

Is selfish really bad sometimes???

Story of my life right now. Almost.

Let the... Skyfall !

It's hard fighting a losing battle. Harder yet if you know it will never end.

Sometimes, we'd all laugh out loud when we spot a cheesy film plot development. Too often it is that the main villain turn out to be a father/mother/lover/close one of our most beloved protagonist. We'll then watch un-excitedly how our hero struggle in agony to choose between justice and morality. But what do you know, these shit do happen and you will never comprehend the agony until you've been in one of these internal struggle that will crumble the very foundation of your beliefs.

Seriously, what'd you do when you are stuck between family values and righteousness? It'd be easy to brag and justify choosing to do what's right but when you are really up to the moment of action, can you say you will not waver? No matter what, your family had done so much for you; they've born you, fed you, nurture you and educate you. Even the very opportunity of learning to distinguish between right from wrong were given to you by them. But then again, can you stand to see such wrong and selfish act being carried out by the ones you love albeit every inch of your consciousness screams for justice?

Normally, faced with such situation, i would always find a way to stall and squeeze myself away in such situations. But not anymore. This time its too big and too serious to ignore. I guess i've been such a coward all along, running away from my problems and thinking it was witty to avoid them. Life's not all butterfly and roses. This time i learn the hard way that one must learn to man up and make sacrifices in order to live through it. I guess i didn't realize i've been living in my own cocoon of imaginary heaven, until the sky, starts falling on me...

So let the skyfall...

When it crumbles...

Will I stand tall?

And face it all?

Or i'll just... fall?

And give it up, all ...

23 Things i should STOP doing to myself!

Birthdays… I never had a thing for it. To the person experiencing it, it is a subtle reminder another year have passed since your last… reminder. Not so subtle if you have a bunch of lively friends shouting it into your ears. If you are someone who treasures your own time, then everyday should’ve been equally important, not just the one that marks the anniversary of your birth. Being expelled your of your mother’s womb is hardly an achievement, and all the credits should actually go to your mom. Despite all that, it does still serve a purpose, which is that in a way it remind us who is still left in your life at you current age mark. People make an effort show you they care about your birthday because they’d still want to be part of your life, at the very least, for the year to come. Of course, at good times, these well wishes may only be lobbyist trying to maintain a beneficial relationship to extract any possible current of future gains out of you! But then again, come to think of it, if you don't even have “friends” trying to lobby you, what does it say about you???

As for me, it will be soon mark a 24 anniversary of my birth. It is hard not to reminiscent the past at times like this, about the good and better times. Just a couple of birthdays ago, I could recall how merry it was and how much I’ve enjoyed it. But since then, it only got quieter, and I’ve kind of preferred it that way too. Maybe it’s the age catching up, not just of myself but people around me as well, that we are too old for these, we all are. Heh. But more importantly, I realized it is the fact that the so called list of “close ones” I hold dear to me dwindles rapidly, year by year and I have hardly anyone worth the trouble to celebrate with anymore. So, this year, I’d greatly enjoy a very quiet one; one that would not differ from an ordinary day.

As Maria Robinson would put it - “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”

So below is the list of 23 most important things that I should STOP, doing to myself, as my resolution for the my 24^th year!

1. Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.  If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you.  You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot.  Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth.  And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.

2. Stop running from your problems. – Face them head on.  No, it won’t be easy.  There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them.  We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems.  That’s not how we’re made.  In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall.  Because that’s the whole purpose of living – to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time.  This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become.

3. Stop lying to yourself. – You can lie to anyone else in the world, but you can’t lie to yourself.  Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves.  Read The Road Less Traveled.

4. Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too.  Yes, help others; but help yourself too.  If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.

5. Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you like everyone else.  Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you.  Don’t change so people will like you.  Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.

6. Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.

7. Stop being scared to make a mistake. – Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing.  Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success.  You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.

8. Stop trying to buy happiness. – Many of the things we desire are expensive.  But the truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally free – love, laughter and working on our passions.

9. Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. – If you’re not happy with who you are on the inside, you won’t be happy in a long-term relationship with anyone else either.  You have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else.  Read Stumbling on Happiness.

10. Stop being idle. – Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem that wasn’t even there in the first place.  Evaluate situations and take decisive action.  You cannot change what you refuse to confront.  Making progress involves risk.  Period!  You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first.

11. Stop thinking you’re not ready. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises.  Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first.

12. Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. – Life’s curveballs are thrown for a reason – to shift your path in a direction that is meant for you.  You may not see or understand everything the moment it happens, and it may be tough.  But reflect back on those negative curveballs thrown at you in the past.  You’ll often see that eventually they led you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation.  So smile!  Let everyone know that today you are a lot stronger than you were yesterday, and you will be.

13. Stop holding grudges. – Don’t live your life with hate in your heart.  You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate.  Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.”  It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.”  Forgiveness is the answer… let go, find peace, liberate yourself!  And remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too.  If you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time.

14. Stop letting others bring you down to their level. – Refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.

15. Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. – Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it anyway.  Just do what you know in your heart is right.

16. Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. – Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things.  The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.

17. Stop trying to make things perfect. – The real world doesn’t reward perfectionists, it rewards people who get things done.  Read Getting Things Done.

Stop following the path of least resistance. – Life is not easy, especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile.  Don’t take the easy way out.  Do something extraordinary.

18. Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – It’s okay to fall apart for a little while.  You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well.  You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears.  The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.

19. Stop blaming others for your troubles. – The extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life.  When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you give others power over that part of your life.

20. Stop trying to be everything to everyone. – Doing so is impossible, and trying will only burn you out.  But making one person smile CAN change the world.  Maybe not the whole world, but their world.  So narrow your focus.

21. Stop worrying so much. – Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy.  One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: “Will this matter in one year’s time?  Three years?  Five years?”  If not, then it’s not worth worrying about.

22. Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – Focus on what you do want to happen.  Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story.  If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.

23. Stop being ungrateful. – No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life.  Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs.  Instead of thinking about what you’re missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.

Source: www.marcandangel.com

The truth is...

Smile

I often find it hard to express myself here on my blog, which is the main reason I rarely do it anymore. It is not that I have nothing to say, but in fact, too much to begin with. Perhaps what the blog lacks is a sense of anonymity, for I hate to show my inner, softer, but darker side to the world. Yes, I do not care how to world view me, much like the currently heated debate of Alvin Tan and his sexploits, I just want a mean to express myself without too much judgement. Don’t read if you don’t want to.

I’ve been through a lot lately, watching a failed marriage right in the middle of it. I may say I’m ok, but this experience scarred me much more than I’d like to admit. For one, seeing years of relationship ties turn hateful and dissolving into thin air brought away what little faith I have in human relationship. I am one of those people who treasures friendship above all else. Maybe it is because I could not find this feeling of trust and believe at home, I believe solely in one person – myself. But friends, gave me that sense of happiness, belonging and that glimmer of confidence that I can share my vulnerabilities with others where I can’t, in my so called ‘home’. But this divorce has shaken me up that I could now seek solace and comfort within the void of my own heart. Secondly, it is beyond my vocabulary to even attempt to describe that feeling, watching those so close to you and those that you believe you can trust with your life turn so selfish and materialistic. One moment, when you are on her side, she’d make you feel like you’re on cloud 9, with cooling breeze to sweet wine. The moment you stay neutral, the cloud would turn into potted flame and everything is yours to blame. I believe only those who’ve been through it would truly feel how helpless and disgusted to be in that position. 

And even after the great divide, things have barely improved. I’m tired both physically and mentally especially with my own troubles with work, career and life’s whatnots knocking up my door. I truly understand how hard it is to find someone you can trust, you can believe, you can love. And even more difficult to find one with a reciprocal feeling. I’ve loved and lost and I don’t think I can ever fully trust again. Even letting go is killing me from the inside. With all these emotions and anguish trapped in my mind, all I can do now is… smile =)

And keep smiling… =D

Because I don’t know how long more I could last, before tears would start to fall. . . . .

A restless night.

Here I am, lying on my bed, in the wee hours of the morning. Only just gotten there, after a long day's work. It brings back a familiar feeling, but yet, it also lack something… something important...

Recalling when I was just 12 or 13, a same night like this. I was in one of my very first party, with games, jokes and what you'd expect every kid will do. It was also one of the most tiring and exhausting feeling I believe I first felt. Yeah, not from some crappy studying or exams. But the feeling, was awesome. You felt a thorough sense of joy, that you’ve laughed, loved and most of all lived. Perhaps i was too young then, to know what it was that made me smile that night.

Fast forward, 10 years or so. I’m doing my Masters with the toughest assignments I’ve ever got. The assignment, albeit difficult, sparked great a great interest in me to learn and do well in it. It was some thing beyond my capabilities then. But the more it challenged me, the more i felt i need to achieve it, we human just couldn't resist a temptation like this. I spent enormous amount of time on it, more so than I’d spent for any school work ever. And when I've pushed the submit button on my screen, just like tonight, I’d lie exhausted on the bed, staring in the ceiling thinking about it. There’s was a smile on my face, because I knew I’ve accomplished something I am proud of. I’ve learned from it, and knew, I would benefit from it, that it’d make an impact on my life. Even more so, you cannot imagine the happiness when you see the grade on the piece of assignment you've poured pieces of you soul into, and that quaint smile on your professors face. 

So  what is it that is so different tonight, with the nights before. What is it that was missing?

I’ve done quite a bit of work. More than i ever do actually. Working non-stop for 60-70 hours a week, sending out reports and documents that should have been even more important that any university assignment. However, none have yield challenges or results good enough to challenge me. The fact is, I don't feel productive at all at my work. I'm not delivering anything that i feel counts in my life, something that i will be truly be proud of myself. Everything feels so alien, just like a piece you would produce for other people for the sake of it. In short, I'm now merely a..homunculus. A being without a full soul.

I once read that there’s a huge difference between being busy and being productive in life. You can be busy, rushing for meetings, work and doing things round the clock but at the end of the day, are these things you do registering on your life? Are you feeling proud or rewarded by these work of yours? And I do not mean reward only by a financial way but also on a emotional level. Being productive, is doing things that counts. So many people waste their life trying to be busy but in fact, all they have to do is be productive. And productivity... does not take much time at all!

So which one are you? Busy or productive?