A restless night.

Here I am, lying on my bed, in the wee hours of the morning. Only just gotten there, after a long day's work. It brings back a familiar feeling, but yet, it also lack something… something important...

Recalling when I was just 12 or 13, a same night like this. I was in one of my very first party, with games, jokes and what you'd expect every kid will do. It was also one of the most tiring and exhausting feeling I believe I first felt. Yeah, not from some crappy studying or exams. But the feeling, was awesome. You felt a thorough sense of joy, that you’ve laughed, loved and most of all lived. Perhaps i was too young then, to know what it was that made me smile that night.

Fast forward, 10 years or so. I’m doing my Masters with the toughest assignments I’ve ever got. The assignment, albeit difficult, sparked great a great interest in me to learn and do well in it. It was some thing beyond my capabilities then. But the more it challenged me, the more i felt i need to achieve it, we human just couldn't resist a temptation like this. I spent enormous amount of time on it, more so than I’d spent for any school work ever. And when I've pushed the submit button on my screen, just like tonight, I’d lie exhausted on the bed, staring in the ceiling thinking about it. There’s was a smile on my face, because I knew I’ve accomplished something I am proud of. I’ve learned from it, and knew, I would benefit from it, that it’d make an impact on my life. Even more so, you cannot imagine the happiness when you see the grade on the piece of assignment you've poured pieces of you soul into, and that quaint smile on your professors face. 

So  what is it that is so different tonight, with the nights before. What is it that was missing?

I’ve done quite a bit of work. More than i ever do actually. Working non-stop for 60-70 hours a week, sending out reports and documents that should have been even more important that any university assignment. However, none have yield challenges or results good enough to challenge me. The fact is, I don't feel productive at all at my work. I'm not delivering anything that i feel counts in my life, something that i will be truly be proud of myself. Everything feels so alien, just like a piece you would produce for other people for the sake of it. In short, I'm now merely a..homunculus. A being without a full soul.

I once read that there’s a huge difference between being busy and being productive in life. You can be busy, rushing for meetings, work and doing things round the clock but at the end of the day, are these things you do registering on your life? Are you feeling proud or rewarded by these work of yours? And I do not mean reward only by a financial way but also on a emotional level. Being productive, is doing things that counts. So many people waste their life trying to be busy but in fact, all they have to do is be productive. And productivity... does not take much time at all!

So which one are you? Busy or productive?