Smile

I often find it hard to express myself here on my blog, which is the main reason I rarely do it anymore. It is not that I have nothing to say, but in fact, too much to begin with. Perhaps what the blog lacks is a sense of anonymity, for I hate to show my inner, softer, but darker side to the world. Yes, I do not care how to world view me, much like the currently heated debate of Alvin Tan and his sexploits, I just want a mean to express myself without too much judgement. Don’t read if you don’t want to.

I’ve been through a lot lately, watching a failed marriage right in the middle of it. I may say I’m ok, but this experience scarred me much more than I’d like to admit. For one, seeing years of relationship ties turn hateful and dissolving into thin air brought away what little faith I have in human relationship. I am one of those people who treasures friendship above all else. Maybe it is because I could not find this feeling of trust and believe at home, I believe solely in one person – myself. But friends, gave me that sense of happiness, belonging and that glimmer of confidence that I can share my vulnerabilities with others where I can’t, in my so called ‘home’. But this divorce has shaken me up that I could now seek solace and comfort within the void of my own heart. Secondly, it is beyond my vocabulary to even attempt to describe that feeling, watching those so close to you and those that you believe you can trust with your life turn so selfish and materialistic. One moment, when you are on her side, she’d make you feel like you’re on cloud 9, with cooling breeze to sweet wine. The moment you stay neutral, the cloud would turn into potted flame and everything is yours to blame. I believe only those who’ve been through it would truly feel how helpless and disgusted to be in that position. 

And even after the great divide, things have barely improved. I’m tired both physically and mentally especially with my own troubles with work, career and life’s whatnots knocking up my door. I truly understand how hard it is to find someone you can trust, you can believe, you can love. And even more difficult to find one with a reciprocal feeling. I’ve loved and lost and I don’t think I can ever fully trust again. Even letting go is killing me from the inside. With all these emotions and anguish trapped in my mind, all I can do now is… smile =)

And keep smiling… =D

Because I don’t know how long more I could last, before tears would start to fall. . . . .