The Devastation

I knew she's going to be brutal, and violent. I have braved myself for whatever torture that she could throw at me, gritted my teeth for the utmost painful experience. The she surprise me. She was more deadly and unpredictable than i ever could imagine, liken a dagger slowly piercing your heart, from the back, before you can catch a glimpse, or even a breath of anything around me. The she left. Me unable to speak, or die, the pain, more unbearable than any i have experienced. But, i cannot die now. No, i MUST not die. Not now...

I'm devastated. I really could not believe how difficult the paper was. I expected it, it delivered, perfectly. What i hate more, was not the paper, but myself. If only i could spent a little more time on it, concentrate a little more. But i know very well too, no additional amount of preparation before hand will help, they were creative question, testing not only your understanding, but you brilliance is decoding it, and creating a whole new concept. I could never had prepared for that and it also proved, my brilliance, if there ever is some, were over-rated.

When i walked into the exam hall, my mind was blank, literally. It always is my style in exam, because i know myself very well, when i see the question, the formulas, the theories, all of them will pop up in my mind. They did, but it didn't help, and i panicked, and it was over. I am really hating myself now, making so much mistakes that could be avoided, and it will definitely cost me. I pray, i hope, not too much to make me fail. And there is a good chance of failing this time.

I really wish i could cry out loud, shout at myself, maybe throw a few hits at myself. But there were no tears in my eyes, nor blood in my veins. I feel just empty.

Sitting in front of the computer at home. The i realize there is really no one there i could talk to. Someone that would understand me. I am alone.

And this in the only place i could pour my heart out. So, this is my life, and im not liking it one bit.